Otouto - 7/1/2002 *Amiboshi picks up the pen* Hi...I'm the elder of the twins, Amiboshi. I don't really see it as 'being the oldest'...we ARE the same age. But at times, Suboshi does seem a bit younger. Violent, angry...even if he was like this before the war completely ruined our lives, it worries me. Ever since our parents died we've only had each other to hold on to. And we've always been very close...but lately, Suboshi has been so distant. He constantly fawns over our miko, and...whenever we talk, he just stares into space. I miss him. I know he hasn't just abandoned me, though. He still loves me. He's just going through something. He'll talk when he's ready. Aniki - 7/1/2002 *Suboshi waits till he's sure no one's around, then picks up the pen* I'm Suboshi. Apparently my brother Amiboshi's already written in here...*sigh* I wanted to cry, reading his entry. I don't mean to be so distant. I do love him. Hell, he's the only family I've got left anymore! He means everything to me, I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him... Yet here we are. I've put him in danger just by joining Nakago and his band of killers. Yeah, destiny played a role in this, what with us being Seiryuu Seishi and all. But this band of psychos...Tomo, the paint-crazy illusionist who can't seem to taunt people enough. Soi, a lightening-throwing bitch who is obsessed with the bastard in charge. A wolf-man and a monk not much are known about. And of course NAKAGO. I really, REALLY hate that bastard...*seethes* He thinks he's so GREAT, he can destroy and mock anyone he wants! I can't stand seeing him within 20 feet of Yui-sama... ...Enough ranting about everyone else, though. More about me. I'm a 15-year-old yo-yo-flinging psycho who is in love with a woman who doesn't see him as more than a friend, and is now angry at himself for not realizing he hurt the one person he cares about more than anything. Aniki, gomen nasai. I...didn't mean to ignore you or hurt you in any way. Yui-sama... - 7/1/2002 *Suboshi picks up the pen again, looking sad* I can't stop thinking about her. I was in love with her from the moment I saw her. The first time we met, she just stared at me and said "That BOY is a Seiryuu Seishi?"...but later...I was crying because Amiboshi was assumed...d-dead *shudders*, and she hugged me...I could've thrown myself into her arms right then... But all she ever saw me as was a brother, one of her Seishi...she doesn't know the depths of my love for her. Before I met her, Amiboshi was all I had. I still love my aniki...but Yui-sama... If I could just have her love, my life would be nearly perfect...my beloved brother, the girl of my dreams...if Nakago was dead everything would be perfect. *laughs bitterly* I tried to tell her how I felt a few nights ago, but she was angry and depressed and told me to just leave her alone... *sighs* She's in love with someone. I just know she is. She loves someone she knows she can't have and it's just tearing me up inside to see her this way...she won't even complain to me for hours about it. I would at least accept that, at least then I'd know I meant something to her. Wow, I'd even accept being used just to complain to. I'm so pathetic. *laughs bitterly* Yep, that's me. Suboshi, the pathetic yo-yo flinging psycho moron. *balls his hands into fists, a tear squeezing its way down his cheek* I know what you're feeling - 7/1/2002 *Amiboshi picks up the pen and sighs softly* Otouto...I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't return your love... I didn't admit this to anyone, out of fear of exile and even the death penalty...but... I am in love...with...Miaka. Suzaku no Miko. I know, this is so wrong and I've no right to be in love with her even if she wasn't the enemy...I faked being one of her Seishi and ruined the summoning ceremony. Even if she isn't angry at me anymore...it's still wrong. She has a lover. And he already tried to beat me senseless so if he knew I was in love with her... *sighs* Unrequited love hurts more when the object of your affections is kind despite not returning your feelings. Otouto...I'll be up waiting for you whenever you want to talk... ...I don't believe this! - 7/2/2002 I just read Amiboshi's last entry. I've known for some time he had some sort of feelings for Miaka. But I still can't believe he's as in love with her as he is. The enemy. Suzaku no Miko. Traitor? No, after all, I AM the one who can't stand our 'leader'. I'd kill that bastard if I had the chance. But what if he's so entranced with Miaka that he just...forgets about me? ...No, he wouldn't. Ever since he came back after being presumed dead and all...it's like nothing's the same with us. We've fallen in love with girls we can't have, and...everything's a mess! *buries his face in his hands* *sighs sadly* - 7/2/2002 Suboshi just...told me he thinks I've changed since...that day. Because I fell in love with Miaka. I could say the same about you, otuoto. After I was presumed dead, you met and fell in love with Yui-sama. I guess...we're both different now. Before the whole thing with me pretending to be Chiriko and then running away and Yui-sama becoming our miko...we used to be closer than anything. We only had one another to hang on to. Now these women have entered our life, and... No, it's my fault. While I was among the Suzaku Seishi, I began to think more of them and a bit less of our side...I respected Hotohori much more than Kutou's emperor. I'm the one who was thinking of switching sides...the only reason I didn't was because I didn't want to abandon you, otouto. *sighs* I'm such a moron. What kind of person would even consider abandoning someone they love and care about just for some woman, just because he likes the enemy better? I am a traitor, Suboshi. *rubs at his eyes, tears threatening to spill over* I'm so sorry... I'm a coward - 7/3/2002 I tried to tell Yui-sama how I felt about her, like I planned...but I didn't. I was afraid, I kept seeing images of her rejecting me, telling me off, slapping me, saying I had no right to 'save her from loneliness'...refusing to believe I really and truly love her. It just makes me so angry to see her pining away for someone she can't have. Anyone causing her so much pain doesn't deserve her. Meanwhile, I love her, I'd never hurt her, and she doesn't care. Aniki says unrequited love hurts most when the person you love is kind to you, but won't love you back... I envy him so. He's never seen the one he loves crying over someone they can't have, and felt frustrated as hell knowing he just wasn't enough, that he just couldn't do anything to take away her pain. It isn't just Yui-sama. I hate seeing anyone I care about in pain... I heard Amiboshi crying softly to himself last night, over Miaka...I held him in my arms and told him it was all right, that I would be here for him and I was sorry for being so distant. But I had this uncontrollable urge to hurt Miaka, enemy miko or not. She's causing my brother pain, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of seeing the 2 most important people in my life hurting and not being able to do anything about it. You think I don't know? - 7/3/2002 Otouto, every time I see you looking miserable over our miko, I want to cry. And not just because I can feel your pain through our link...because you're my brother, and I care about you. Every time I see you sighing and pining away for Yui-sama, I want to hold you in my arms and erase your sadness. But you just tell me to go away and leave you alone... Otouto...I'm sorry we're not as close as we once were. I'd give anything to get that back. Anything...you're all I've got left. *closes his eyes, a tear slipping down his cheek* Why? - 7/4/2002 Why did I have to fall in love with someone who will never love me back? Yui-sama continues to ignore me in favor of sighing over her unrequited love. I don't understand. Why does she only have eyes for the forbidden one? Why can't she at least let me hold her while she cries? It doesn't even help that I don't know who she's in love with. It'd be easier if I knew who to strangle for causing her pain. But that wasn't as bad as earlier tonight. Amiboshi was sobbing into his pillow and mumbling that he was a freak, that he had no right to fall in love with someone off-limits. More than ever I want to kill that Suzaku no Miko, while her Seishi look on in horror. Damn them! I'll never forgive them...for stealing my brother away from me. I overheard him wishing he'd been a Suzaku Seishi last night...it's like he's abandoning me in favor of them and their stupid miko! And leaving me here with the bastard, the face-painted freak, the wolfman, the bitch, the unknown, and my unrequited love! Why?! Why did you abandon me this way, aniki? No wonder I've fallen deeply in love with Yui-sama...we're so much alike. We both were abandoned by the ones we thought cared for us... But I can't bring myself to hurt my aniki...or blame him...I know who to blame for all this. Miaka and the Suzaku Seven. ...No. I blame Nakago. The bastard. Manipulative, sadistic, cold-hearted BASTARD. No wonder Soi's such an angry bitch all the time. They seem to be lovers. But I've seen him. Tomo drools over him like some psychotic fangirl, and Nakago apparently doesn't mind...that low-life, two-timing bastard. Either he's stringing both of them along, or he's using Soi while he's really in love with Tomo...and considering how those 2 act around one another... No wonder. I may not like Soi a whole lot, but she deserves better. *sigh* I'd better just go to sleep. Aniki...please forgive my anger in this entry. I'm so sorry, it's just...it hurts so much, thinking you're drifting away from me... I love you, aniki. I'm a freak - 7/5/2002 As if being in love with the enemy miko wasn't bad enough. I've come to a horrible realization about myself. I am a freak. A twisted, abnormal, mentally ill, incestuous freak. Yes, you heard me right. Incestuous. I...I've developed romantic feelings...for...


Suboshi. My brother. My own flesh and blood. How?! Why?! This is wrong, this is more than wrong! It's un-natural...but I can't stop feeling this way. And no matter how hard I try to hide it from him, we're linked...and if he finds out... Well, what would you think if your own twin brother was in love with you?! Wouldn't you be disgusted?! Suboshi will be. I can just see him...those eyes, filled with sheer hatred and disgust, contempt...the sting of his palm across my cheek...his voice, screaming at me to stay the hell away from him... *shudders and crumbles to the ground in tears* Otouto...f-forgive me... *crying* - 7/6/2002 I've managed to keep Suboshi from seeing my last entry...so far, so good. I'm so afraid of what he'll say if he knows...my feelings for him are more than brotherly. And I don't even know if they're genuine. Maybe I'm just confused... Besides, I can't be in tears over my own confusion. Suboshi is hurting so much over Yui-sama...I just want to hold him and tell him that I'll be there for him. But what if I get close to him and our link acts up, and he discovers my thoughts? *slaps self* No. I can't let THIS come between Suboshi and I...I just can't... I spent hours looking over his latest entry the other night...my eyes kept falling back to that last line. 'I love you, aniki'... We used to be able to say that to one another without a second thought. Now...*sighs* It's just not the same anymore, it's confusing, I...I don't know. *buries his head in his arms, sobbing muffledly* ...I'm sorry... - 7/6/2002 I just skimmed over Amiboshi's latest entries...all I saw was that I was causing him such pain and sorrow... Even more than Miaka... I'm the reason he's crying himself to sleep... Guess I should beat myself to death now, huh? *laughs bitterly* What do you do when the one you love is crying...because of you? Yes. I'm referring to someone NOT Yui-sama as...the one I love... It just hit me...I'm...seeing Amiboshi in...a different light. As more than my brother... ...*shudders* No! I'm not...that's just wrong, it's un-natural...I can't. He'd never speak to me again. F-Forgive me, aniki...*collapses in tears* He must know - 7/8/2002 Suboshi has been acting very strange...yesterday, he tried to say something to me several times, but he ran off at the last minute saying it was as unimportant as him. And this morning he just kept...staring at me. He knows. Every time I got close enough he must've felt the...vibes coming from me...now I'm just waiting for him to slap me and tell me he hates me. I've been sneaking out late at night to see Miaka-sama. She's so wonderful to be with...her eyes are so understanding, so innocent, so kind. It's as if...she can see past fate, that I'm a Seiryuu Seishi, and see the broken, unwanted human within... I know she loves Tamahome. But I would still give my life to protect her. I talked to her about the whole thing with otouto last night, and that I wished I could just forget everything-my 'death', the war, losing my parents, Yui-sama...she said that giving up your memory may free you from the pain, but is it worth losing the good memories you have? As much as she's been through, she'd never want to forget the ones close to her... I guess she's right. I'd never want to forget her...or Suboshi... I only need them in my life. The kind, understanding girl, and the brother who means the world to me and more. Rejected - 7/8/2002 It's over. I just had my heart broken-no, torn from my chest and smashed into dust. I can't even cry. I can't even wish myself dead. I just know that the woman I love...not only will never love me, but hates my guts. It all started earlier when I heard her crying softly for her unrequited love. As usual, I wanted to comfort her and hurt this person who was making her miserable. But I just listened. I ran into her later with the intention of telling her my feelings once and for all. It started out decently enough. I told her I was sorry she was hurting so much, and that I hated to see her in pain. Then... Like an idiot, I told her this person she was in love with was unworthy of her, and anyone who made her cry didn't deserve her. She got upset and told me she didn't care, she still loves them. And things went downhill from there. I told her that every time I saw her in tears over this person, I wanted to take away those tears, to hold her in my arms...that I loved her, and have ever since that night Amiboshi was assumed...d-dead... I told her everything. She just stared. After a long silence, she said, "...You're kidding." She got so upset...said I had no right to tell her who deserved her, that I didn't know her...I tried to reason with her but she was too angry. Then...just when I couldn't feel worse... She told me the words that I will never, ever forget, the words that will tear at my shattered soul for the rest of my life... "You don't mean anything to me, Suboshi. Just leave me alone!" "But Yui-sama-" "Leave!" Then she slapped me across the face. Blood dripped from my cheek, but I didn't care... Now here I am, unable to cry, unable to feel anything but a raw emptiness where my heart was...the shards of what it once was are digging into me, searing my flesh... Yui-sama... Aniki...I need you more than ever now...I feel so foolish. I nearly abandoned the brother I love more than life itself...and for what? She doesn't love me...she never will... Aniki...gomen nasai. Please forgive me... *closes his eyes as the tears begin to spill over* Don't cry for me...I'm only the boy who nobody wanted...




P.S.: I finally know who Yui's unrequited love is. Soi. Your pain...is my pain - 7/9/2002 Otouto...I'm so sorry you were rejected. I hate that you're in pain, seeing you so sad and alone... I feel like...this is my fault. If I had never even been to Konan, or gotten to know the Suzaku Seishi and Miaka...if I had just stayed here with you... I'm so sorry. *wipes away stubborn tears* I'm here, whenever you want to talk, whenever you need me. I'm here. I love you, otouto. Tears - 7/9/2002 Last night, I didn't even know I was crying...tonight, I can't stop. It hurts to even look at her anymore. Knowing she doesn't love me, never did love me, will never even like me anymore. Why was I such a moron? Why did I tell her all that anyway? Thinking I could get her to love me with all that garbage... I never deserved to love her. I'm a psychotic yo-yo flinging bastard, and she surpasses all meanings of the word beautiful. I'm unworthy of her presence. And everyone knows it. I'm nothing but a psychotic, cold-blooded, immature, selfish, incestuous...freak! Yes. I said "incestuous". Yui-sama isn't the only one I cried over. Aniki...you've been the only one who's loved me and never given up on me...you've never raised an angry hand at me before. You're so gentle, so understanding, so...wonderful. Damn it, why did we have to be related by blood? ...Or does that add to why I love you so much, aniki? *slams his fist into the wall and crumples to the ground in tears again* Damn it! Confessions... - 7/10/2002 I don't know why I did it, what posessed me to go through with it, especially after Suboshi was so cruelly rejected... I told Miaka my feelings for her. Of course, she was very kind when she rejected me. She told me as nice as I was, she only loved Tamahome. I know that. But I still love her, and would still give my life for her. She told me I was a nice person and she'd misjudged me. And that the right one for me was out there somewhere...it made me feel better for a short while. She tried, really, she did...but you can never let someone down easily. It still hurts. I asked if this was going to change things between us, if we could still meet each other. She said even though she felt pretty bad knowing I was in love with her, we could still be friends. It won't be the same, though. Now that she's told me in her own words she doesn't love me back, and now that she's going to feel bad about it... *sighs* Suboshi is going to resent me when he reads this. After he was bitterly spurned by Yui-sama... Otouto, I'm sorry it couldn't turn out like this for us both... Just know I'm always here... I love you, otouto. Rage - 7/11/2002 *collapses onto the bed, blood dripping from his cheek, mixing with tears* She told me I mean nothing to her. She made it clear she doesn't love me, even hates me. She told me to leave her alone. And she hasn't spoken to me since that night. So what do I do? I kiss her. I run into her, she's been crying over Soi. I run to comfort her, and of course, she turns me away. Next thing I know, my lips press tightly against hers. She's outraged, of course. She throws me off her, slaps me so hard I stumble backwards and fall against some rocks. My cheek is scraped, but I don't notice the blood, or the tears dripping down my face... The salt dripping into the wound... I'm an idiot. I don't deserve to love anyone...Yui-sama... Aniki... *looks at a framed picture of himself and Amiboshi with their arms around each other* Itoshii aniki... Self hatred - 7/12/2002 I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I'm a pathetic, spineless, emotional, useless, incestuous freak. Suboshi loves Yui-sama. He always will. He'll never get over her. His love for her has destroyed him, and if he finds out his own brother, his own flesh and blood, feels romantically for him...he'll never speak to me again. If he doesn't beat me to death. Now more than ever it's like nothing's the same between us anymore. He needs me, he says...but I'm afraid...if I get close to him...he'll...feel it...through our link. I'm so afraid of losing him. Why did I have to fall for the most forbidden one of all? My own twin brother... I should just confess to one of those religious circles and let them 'cure me of this disease', as they would call it. I should just go off and find a nice girl to have a nice, normal, straight, non-blood relationship with. Then it'll be like everything should be. Normal. ...Damn it, listen to yourself, Amiboshi! You realize how terrible you sound?! You're so much more open-minded than this! *sighs, eyes stinging with tears* Why must life be against me at every turn? As Amiboshi, I'm useless and nothing ever goes right for me. I was better off as Kaika, with the elderly couple...a nice, quiet life. Why did I leave? Because...I couldn't just keep pretending, living under false pretenses...but living a lie was better than living this reality...a reality of shattered dreams, unrequited love, forbidden, wrong feelings...war...death... *buries his face in his arms, sobbing bitterly* Secrets - 7/13/2002 I found Suboshi crying earlier. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, even after he collapsed into my arms. As I was holding him, I felt something...strange about his aura...our link... I've known for awhile there's something he isn't telling me, but what? What is this feeling he's trying to keep secret...it's like...it isn't even about Yui-sama anymore. I'm so confused. I'm sorry, I'm not thinking coherently right now. *sighs* At least...he doesn't suspect anything...about my feelings. Pathetic loser - 7/14/2002 Well, I am officially the Seiryuu Seven Pariah. Why? According to The Bastard, I "not only forced myself on our miko, my weapons are useless, I'm stupid, I'm ordinary, and I have yet to kill a single Suzaku Seishi". This morning, all of them save for the Emperor set out for Hokkan, and Nakago chose to send one of us to attack them. He sent... ASHITARE. Wolf-man. So, he mocks this guy all the time, yet I'm even more worthless a warrior than he is. He actually said that out loud, at the 6am discussion. So, now everyone's decided I'm inept, stupid, ugly, worthless, a rapist, and a weak idiot who couldn't kill if his life depended on it, "not with THOSE weapons". I no longer exist for anything but slapping, ridicule, torment, and blame for when anything goes wrong. All day long it's been nothing but: "You're such a moron, Suboshi! You think those pathetic yo-yos are gonna do anything?!" "Your brother may be a weakling, but at least he's intelligent." "What would YOU know about LOVE, you, the bastard who forced himself on our miko?" "You had no right whatsoever to love her. She's beautiful, perfect in every way, and all you are is an ordinary, psychotic freak." "If you ever fall in love with anyone again we'll be sure you're miserable. You're too worthless to deserve love." "You shouldn't have an ounce of will to live anymore." "How does that brother of yours stand you anyway?" "Yui-sama was wrong to ever give a damn about you." "We should've killed your brother ourselves, the traitor he is." *squeezes his eyes shut, forcing himself not to cry as he slams his fist repeatedly into the wall* I don't care about anything else they said, but if they slam my brother one more time, I'll f*cking KILL every single one of them! Last night, I heard the BASTARD calling him "traitor", "false Seishi", "weakling"... I've suspected he's been the real pariah of theirs for awhile now...but only last night did I get the nerve to find out for sure. I was right. I don't care if they call me weak, useless, psychotic, stupid, a rapist, or anything else. But it's just sinking in that all this time they've been saying similar, worse things about my brother... It hurts. One hundred times more than Yui-sama slapping me, or everyone telling me I'm worthless. I wonder if he knows everyone is mocking him this way. If he knows...he sure doesn't seem like he does. Aniki...I wish it were just me being mocked. If you read this...and you didn't know what they say about you behind your back... I'm sorry. Forgive me. I love you, aniki. I know - 7/15/2002 I never hear them or see them mocking me, but I know they are. In their eyes, I am a traitor. A weakling. Nothing. They only avoid saying anything because they think I'm naive enough to believe they can stand me, they tolerate me. I know better. Why wouldn't they think badly of me anyway? That doesn't bother me as much as seeing them harass Suboshi, then seeing him act as if he could care less when it so obviously hurts him. Why does he always insist it's all right for him to be miserable as long as I'm all right? Why does he always have to act so damn tough?! I can't stand to see you torn up like this, otouto. I know you're in pain. Remember our link? I hurt when you hurt. Please...don't torture yourself this way, otouto... I love you. "This isn't like you, aniki." - 7/16/2002 Suboshi said that to me earlier...he caught me in an emotional moment. I was just staring into space longingly...guess I've been pretty...not like myself lately. Emotional...quiet... Lonely. Crying myself to sleep every night...my bed seems so much colder than usual lately. It feels like...I'm in our room, all alone...without him...nevermind that he's asleep in the bed on the other side of the room. Great. I feel like crying again. What's WRONG with me?! I'm tired of being so depressed, I seem like...like some...emotional woman! Damn you, Amiboshi. You just had to fall in love with your brother, didn't you? *dissolves in tears* What the hell's WRONG with you lately?! - 7/16/2002 You're supposed to be crying and heartbroken over Yui-sama. Yet for the last 2 days you've been obsessed with your brother, Suboshi! Yeah, he's been very depressed and hasn't slept and barely eats anything, but...it's like that isn't all you're worried about, is it? I didn't think so. *sighs* He won't even talk to me anymore...yeah, he'll comfort me without hesitation, but every time I try and talk to him, all of a sudden he doesn't feel well and needs to lie down, or is too busy playing his flute... I could listen to him play his flute for hours...*smiles slightly* So beautiful... Just like he is... I know, we look exactly the same...but there's just something about him. His smile...the way his eyes shine...they're always so kind, so warm and gentle...he's never angry, it seems. Miaka's a fool. She doesn't know what a wonderful person she's missing. ...Does...he still love her? Last thing I heard of it was Miaka said they would just still be friends... What if...aniki's depression is...because he's still in love with her? Aniki... *feels his eyes sting with tears* If he still...loves her...th-there's no way... ...Why am I thinking this way...it's as if... *squeezes his eyes shut as the tears force their way down his cheeks* This isn't...I-I'm not just...confused... I'm...r-really...i-in love with him...my own brother... *collapses onto his bed, sobbing* Dreams... - 7/17/2002 Why is it the most horrifying dreams are the most vivid ones? Last night...I dreamed that Yui-sama and I had spent the night in a tent together, in a storm. She was frightened, so I held her and as she was clinging to me, we found ourselves wanting each other so badly...then our hormones took over and we ended up sharing a sleeping bag. *blushes* I remember the passion we shared in the dream so vividly...then a few days later, she came to me and said she was pregnant. We couldn't even begin to figure out what we were going to do about this, because soon after, Nakago found out and kidnapped her, then told Amiboshi. The worst, and naturally most vivid, part of the dream was Amiboshi confronting me...he was angry. He told me that I had betrayed him and would never speak to me again. The look in his eyes was one I'd never seen before...hatred. He pinned me to the ground and slapped me, then stormed off...the next time I saw him was an evil, twisted shadow of himself, standing beside Nakago. Yui-sama was bound and gagged, screaming as they beat her with whips. Then... The bastard said "He didn't deserve you anyway." Amiboshi just nodded, then... They kissed. On the lips. Passionately. As I watched on in horror, Soi said "You broke his heart when you slept with her. He loved you." Then I woke up, drenched in sweat and tears...and feeling ashamed of myself... Was aniki really upset at my being in love with Yui-sama? If...she and I had a chance...would he have sold his soul to the bastard? And I can still hear Soi, telling me... "He loved you..." "You broke his heart..." Could this mean...? A-Aniki...*closes his eyes, holding back a stream of tears* Otouto-chan - 7/18/2002 Last night, he told me, through rivers of tears, that...it was his fault I was depressed. I managed to reassure him it wasn't, but he didn't seem very...convinced...he slept so fitfully against me, holding onto me like a falling man to the edge of a cliff. I made such a fool of myself last night while I was talking to him. I said "I want your happiness, even if it's with another"...he just stared at me, looking confused...how could I have been careless enough to let the secret slip, that I'm falling for him? What would he say? *sighs* I'm still so worried about him... ... - 7/19/2002 I can't even speak right now. I wish I had done more than merely slap him. If I said I hated Nakago before, it was an understatement. I learned the depths of my hatred for him just an hour earlier. I found him, standing before the trembling form of my brother. Mocking him, telling him what a useless traitor he was, slapping him...I-I just...stormed in there and...*clenches fists* I wanted to kill him right then and there. I wanted him dead...but when I saw my aniki trembling, on his knees, fighting back tears...I couldn't waste time fighting that bastard Nakago. I slapped him, told him off, and sent him slinking away muttering about noble idiots... I held Amiboshi in my arms as he cried...stroking his hair, telling him I never wanted to see him in pain and tears... *looks down as his brother's sleeping form and smiles slightly* Aniki...I love you so much. I'd protect you with my very life...I'll never let anyone hurt you, ever again. Sleep well, itoshii aniki... *places a light kiss to his brother's forehead* Torn - 7/19/2002 Guess I haven't forgotten her after all. I still love her. Even if she never speaks to me anymore...remembering my dream, the intimacy I shared with her... I can't just let go of my feelings for her. But...I love my aniki. You can't be in love with more than one person, can you? I know I'd never abandon Amiboshi, ever...but I'd never abandon Yui-sama either. My dream...Amiboshi fell into the bastard's clutches, and Yui-sama was kidnapped... I'm torn between them...and if the dream is a message from the fates... I'm going to lose them both. ...*shudders, tears filling his eyes* No! I won't even think about that, I can't! Even if neither one of them loves me back...as long as aniki never leaves me again...and Yui-sama can forgive me and accept me as someone who cares... That's all I ask. All I ask. Death - 7/20/2002 There was a death earlier today... Ashitare has killed a Suzaku Seishi. The violet-haired one...Nuriko, I believe his name was. I didn't know him very well...yet I still feel terrible for Miaka and the others. Rumor has it the bandit Seishi actually cried. And Ashitare's been presumed dead as well. At least we can assume...Nakago wouldn't tell us anything. I feel bad more for the death of Nuriko than Ashitare, though. Proving once again what a traitor I am. I mean, I don't feel like I should be mourning Ashitare. I don't think anyone is. It's that I feel sad over the death of an enemy Seishi. Or maybe... Now that someone has actually died, enemy or not... I'm realizing just how afraid I am. Afraid that anyone else could be dead tomorrow. ... Suddenly I feel so very cold. Otouto... *eyes well with tears* Nocturne - 7/21/2002 tatakai no aida no shizuka na machi ga tsuka no ma no nemuri ni ochite-iku tooi hoshi no shita de yume miru kimi ni inori wo kome MERODI-todoke you
The quiet city in the midst of battle falls into a brief slumber. I'll send a prayer-filled melody to where you dream underneath the far-away stars.
koko e oide yo kanashii koto mo namida mo boku ga daite ageru yo subete no itami wo wasurerareru made
Come over here. I'll hold your sadness and your tears for you until you forget all the pain.
arasoi ikiru no ga tsuyosa dattara yowai to iwarete mo kamawanai doushite hito wa kizutsukeau no aisuru chikara kitto aru no ni dare demo hitori ja samishii hazu na no ni
If strength is living in conflict Then I don't care if they call me weak. Why do people hurt each other? Even though there's certainly strength in loving... Even though anyone would be lonely alone...
koko e oide yo tsukareta ai wo kokoro wo boku ga daite ageru yo subete no itami wo wasurerareru made oyasumi oyasumi boku no kono mune de
Come over here. I'll hold your worn out love, your heart until you forget all the pain. Goodnight, goodnight... On my chest -- For you, otouto...and for Miaka-san. The one I love and the one whose kindness I'll always treasure... I feel sick... - 7/21/2002 My head aches and I've had a sinking uneasy feeling all day...ever since I learned of Nuriko's death...I'm just scared, worried about everything. Suboshi's barely said much to me...ever since I admitted I was more sad to hear of Nuriko's death than that of one of our own. It's the principle of the thing, after all. Even if Nuriko was much more human and not as scary as Ashitare, he was an enemy. The others still call me a traitor, a useless idiot...a false Seishi... I have this...terrible feeling the war won't be over...until...almost everyone is dead. ...I need to lie down...*clutches his head* Aniki! - 7/21/2002 *sighs* I'm sorry...I've been so selfishly caught up in my own fears and angst...I didn't mean to ignore you. You're not a traitor! I know you hate this...I know you'd rather be with them than NAKAGO'S army... Yet you continue to stay here. For me. *eyes fill with tears* I'm sorry, aniki...I sold my soul to the bastard because I lost my mind...and now... *closes his eyes* I'll get us out of this...no matter what. I'll never let anyone hurt you again, aniki... ...He's gone... - 7/21/2002 Amiboshi is missing. Soi told me he left an hour ago and didn't come back... He left without so much as leaving a note. I can't believe this. He...ran away. Probably to Konan to see Miaka...again. Yes, I know about his secret meetings with her. I know he'll never forget her... I'm trying not to resent her. She always seems to make him feel better...I guess. *sighs* Damn it, I'm not making sense, I'm totally incoherent, and I'm just... Angry. Why did you run off into the night and not tell me, aniki? It's dangerous out there! You could be hurt, or...*shudders violently* k-killed... Death is closer than ever now... Both Suzaku and Seiryuu have lost a Seishi... Anyone could be next... Anyone. ... *throws some things into a sack and slings it over his shoulder* I've got to find him. *gets up, brushing away stubborn tears* I'm not going to lose you again, aniki. Still no sign - 7/22/2002 *collapses onto the bed, out of breath, tears streaming down his cheeks* No one's seen him. I've looked everywhere, asked everyone... Aniki... It's not that I'm afraid he's defenseless and can't stand up to anyone-hell, that flute of his is a pretty dangerous weapon if used right! I just...don't want him to throw himself into a river again. He's been so depressed lately, I... I'm so afraid... Aniki... Please...please be okay, wherever you are. Please come back. Please... *dissolves in tears* Reunited - 7/23/2002 I finally discovered him in a well-hidden area of the woods...in Konan. Of course. He was just barely sheltered under a makeshift tent, made from a blanket and a few sticks. Shivering, tears streaking his beautiful face... I couldn't do or say anything for a few seconds... He said he ran away because he was afraid he would hurt me...that he was a traitor, a horrible person because of mere wishes... It was my fault. I was so hellbent on destroying the Suzaku Seishi and their miko...I was so selfish, obsessed with Yui-sama and obsessed with revenge... I tried to tell him this was my fault, but he just...threw himself into my arms and sobbed his heart out...it broke my heart. All I could do was hold him and tell him to come home. "I won't leave you again," he said. Aniki... I'm so sorry I drove you away with my anger...I love you. Welcome home. Home? - 7/27/2002 Sorry neither of us have written for a few days. I've been ill...should've known a blanket thrown over a few sticks was inadequate shelter. *sigh* Luckily, I was able to keep it secret from Nakago...Suboshi kept me in our shelter and pretended I was still missing... It feels good to be home...to see my brother, hear his comforting voice, to be held in his arms... ...*ahem* I'd best not go off on a lovesick tangent. *sigh* But...home? Kutou was once our home...but is it anymore? The war has turned it into a battle ground, a death trap... Another Suzaku Seishi was lost yesterday. Chiriko. The one I posed as before everything spun out of control like this...it was Miboshi who caused his death...we haven't seen him since. Much like the still-missing Ashitare. Now there's a rumor he's still alive out there... I am a traitor. I should be smiling and glad Kutou is winning right now. But I'm not. I'm...actually praying Ashitare and Miboshi are dead...or that Nuriko is still alive after all, or that Chiriko survived his suicide. *eyes well with tears* I'm so tired of this... *growls* IDIOT! - 7/31/2002 Damn Tomo! Damn that face-painted freak to hades and beyond! Damn him! I found out yesterday that he'd hurt my aniki... Amiboshi never gets angry or picks fights. But this time he did. Because Tomo was insulting me. Why, aniki?! Why did you get into a fight that resulted in your arm being sliced?! Yeah, you ended up clashing his face, but still...he could've done so much worse, damn it! *sighs* I thought the wound was...a self-inflicted one...aniki, I wish you'd never been hurt at all! Ever... I never want to see you hurt ever again! Aniki... *dusts his hands off* - 8/1/2002 At last. If I couldn't destroy the bastard, I could destroy his bitch. I killed him. Seiryuu Seishi Tomo is no more. He crossed me one too many times, he threatened aniki... He couldn't even get near him! I thrust the Ryuuseisui into his chest, killed him on impact. *evil laugh* See what happens when you mess with me one too many times, when you hurt my aniki?! See what happens?! ... Wow...I...I don't know what's come over me tonight...I feel like...rage is all I know... ...*shudders* I-I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I'm scared... ...I can't believe him... - 8/1/2002 My brother...killed one of our own right before my eyes... I'm not saying I'm sad Tomo is gone, I never liked him very much...it's just... He...risked his own life by killing one of our own, killing him in defense of me, a traitor! Otouto...I'm not saying I don't appreciate it...but what if you hadn't been prepared with your Ryuuseisui?! What if Tomo was in the midst of attacking me?! You could've been killed! I can't stand the thought of losing you, otouto... *eyes fill with tears* I love you. Always remember that. Nightmares - 8/3/2002 *manages to stop crying long enough to write this* I had the worst dream ever last night...I dreamed 3 Suzaku Seishi confronted my brother...the ones names Hotohori and Tasuki kept ranting about Nuriko, while the one named Tamahome was standing in front of the miko and glaring at him...I don't remember very much, it was all a blur... Until... Tamahome...a-attacked Suboshi... And killed him. *breaks down in tears once again* I remember watching him fall to the ground, blood dripping from his chest where the sword had impaled him...the way he looked at them as he died... How he whispered..."itoshii aniki..."...just before he died... Itoshii aniki... ...Me... Not "Yui-sama"... I woke up drenched in tears and sweat, never before was I so relieved to see the sleeping form of my otouto beside me...luckily, he didn't object to my holding him the rest of the night. Another thing I remember from the dream is what Hotohori said. He said "Now the one you love will know the pain I felt when Nuriko died!"... ...The one he loved... Does he know...?! *turns white* A-A Suzaku Seishi...could that be...would...he tell the others...? He can't! He just can't, no Suzaku or Seiryuu Seishi or anyone else must know!! *sobs* Otouto... Confused sadness - 8/3/2002 Last night, before I found my aniki sobbing into his hands, I was walking through the halls thinking about my love for him and my love for Yui-sama. It's been weeks ever since she rejected me so coldly, and she still won't even look in my direction. I know this means I should just let her go, get over it, forget about her...but I just can't. Especially after what I saw last night. I walked by Yui-sama's room...and she wasn't alone. Soi was with her. Why? Soi's been an absolute bitch to her, no matter how hard Yui-sama cried over her, she continued to hate her and ignore her! Until now. For the last few days, she's been so kind to Yui-sama...and last night... I...I saw them kiss. It wasn't long and romantic and passionate like Suzaku no Miko and her love, but it was still a kiss. I was so numb I couldn't even run off sobbing. When it did hit me that there was something between them... I couldn't stop crying. I still love her. But I love my aniki as well! And thinking of Yui-sama makes me feel like I'm betraying him! Especially after how torn up he was last night over his dream...he couldn't stop crying. Aniki...I-I'm so sorry. Lonely - 8/4/2002 It's late at night...Suboshi is right here with me, but his mind is elsewhere as he looks out at the stars... We found out that Miboshi and Ashitare are indeed dead now. But that doesn't matter...shockingly, Yui-san doesn't need all 7 Seishi to summon Seiryuu! Nakago stole the Byakko and Genbu Shinhazo to aid Yui-san...Suboshi was angry when he found out what Nakago had done, he said it was selfish and he only did it so he could win the war and get what HE wanted from Seiryuu. He's right. I don't care about summoning Seiryuu anymore. I just want the war to end, damn it, I want to live with my beloved brother in peace... ...I love him. And he'll never know the depths of my love for him... *looks sadly across the room at his twin and blinks away tears* Otouto... I just...want this to end... I miss her - 8/5/2002 I miss Yui-sama. She still isn't speaking to me, and her relationship with Soi is becoming more than mere glances and denial... But I still miss her. I...I keep thinking back to that night when I told her...and she rejected me. It should've been the end of it all...the night I just stopped thinking about her. It wasn't...but then a few nights later I kissed her...so... Maybe it never ended? ...I'm not making sense. I'm speaking in fragments. Closure - 8/6/2002 I spoke to Yui-sama earlier. She said she felt bad for what she did that night, and that she did care about me. But she will never love me as I love her. It's still hard to accept that. She was my first serious love...and I don't think I'll ever completely get over her. But at least we're on better terms... So that's why it was so hard to let go...the night I thought it was all over...it wasn't. Lack of closure was what was bothering me. I must be pretty dense if it took me so long to figure that one out. *sigh* Amiboshi is out star gazing...I'm going to join him... Show me the meaning of melancholy - 8/8/2002 Suboshi isn't completely obsessed with Yui-san anymore. And I'm selfishly glad, because...I was jealous. Yes, the sweet, even-tempered Amiboshi was jealous because his brother was in love with the miko. What kind of freak gets upset over a thing like that? Normal boys would be glad their brother found someone to love. But I'm not normal. I'm a sad, lonely traitor and an incestuous freak. I love my brother in ways that brothers weren't meant to love. In all the time I was so in love with Miaka, I never once tried to kiss her, or spied on her in the bath. Suboshi did both to Yui-san. What does that say? He's normal, I'm a freak. A sex-less freak! Nakago is calling me a traitor to my face now. He mocks me on a daily basis. My thoughts are not coherent... I'm lonely... Forgive me, otouto...I never intended to fall for you this way. Stop it...you're hurting me. - 8/9/2002 Aniki, seeing you in pain and hearing you talk badly about yourself hurts me. Just hearing you call yourself worthless is like a stab in the heart... You've been so melancholy these last few days, aniki. I can't stand it...I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you. I'm sorry my love for Yui-sama made you jealous...in fact... I'm glad it did. The truth is, I'm flattered you're so posessive of me...*slight blush* I'm here whenever you need me, Amiboshi. I love you. Screw everything - 8/12/2002 Probably thought this was gonna be a Suboshi entry, huh? It's not like sweet, wussy Amiboshi to curse and get angry, right? Figures. Of course I'm the weak-willed idiot, like Nakago insists Miaka-san is. Meanwhile, my brother is strong, Yui-san is a strong woman. Coincidence? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the violence, the blood, the death...being a traitor...the fact that I only know how to fall in love with those I can't have. Wow, who's next? Nuriko, a Suzaku Seishi who's been friggin DEAD for like, 3 weeks? Nakago was right, I'm a useless, weak-willed traitor and I should've never come back here. Suboshi SAYS he's flattered I was so upset over his love for Yui, but he doesn't mean it. He loves me, but only as the useless brother he has to look out for and care about...there's something wrong. I used to be the one lookin out for and comforting him. Screw this. I feel like cutting myself right now. The only reason I'm not is because I don't want Suboshi freaking out like he did that time Tomo slashed me. Hurt - 8/13/2002 Damn it, aniki! I told you, stop hurting me! Just seeing your entry from last night made me break down and cry! I still want to cry, just thinking about it... Aniki...what's wrong? Please...I want to hold you, kiss away your pain, let you know I'm here and I'll never let anyone hurt you again... I love you, aniki. *barely able to breathe* - 8/15/2002 I can't believe this... I can't believe what I did to him. I was just talking to him, and what do I end up doing? Something one brother should never do to another, no matter how close. Amiboshi was worrying again, about the war, about everything...and I was trying to reassure him, but deep down I was just as scared...and we were just talking, when out of nowhere I...I felt this surge of fear, and love...I kept thinking about how we'd lost 3 Seishi already, and 2 of the Suzaku Seishi were dead. "Anyone could be next", my mind kept telling me, "even you...or your brother..." This scared me so much, I-I couldn't think straight, and out of nowhere, I...I grabbed him and...and... I kissed him. On the lips. Not passionately, but in a way brothers were never meant to kiss! His eyes widened, and he sprang back, just...staring at me... "Otouto..." he said...before he could say anything else, I ran off. It had begun to rain, and I didn't even realize I was crying until the raindrops tasted salty. He must be disgusted with me now that the shock has had time to wear off. I don't blame him. Aniki...I-I'm so sorry...more than I've ever been... I'm so sorry... *sobs* F-Forgive me... *at a loss for words* - 8/15/2002 I still can't get over this...what happened last night. I haven't been able to think straight all day, I can't eat, I couldn't sleep last night... He...did something to me that I've fantasized about doing to him... We were just talking, and out of nowhere he... He grabbed me and...kissed me. His lips pressed against mine. He held me close, like one would hold a lover. I know he's straight! So why the hell would he be kissing a guy, let alone his own brother?! I don't know what to think... I enjoyed it, but I just...c-can't let myself believe it, this is supposed to be wrong! *collapses to the bed, trembling* Damn it all... I-I'm so sorry, otouto. Dreams of death - 8/18/2002 I dreamed last night...and I still can't stop thinking about it and shuddering. I dreamed I died...but that isn't what scares me so much. What disturbs me... Is that it was almost exactly the same as the dream aniki told me about weeks ago. The Suzaku Seishi killed me and Hotohori said my love would feel the pain he did when Nuriko died... Maybe it's from the battles being more violent than ever...especially last night's. Shockingly, it wasn't Suzaku vs. Seiryuu Seishi. Soi told me about it awhile ago. This bandit-woman with strange powers attacked Yui-sama, and Yui-sama was barely managing to fight her off...she almost had the advantage, but then the woman blasted her and she didn't have enough time to charge up a good enough ki blast...Soi shoved her out of the way and was injured. The woman ended up being defeated...for now. But Yui-sama said that Soi would've died... If not for 2 of the Suzaku Seishi. Believe it or not, one being Tasuki. *growls* The bastard continually attacked Yui-sama and tried to ravage her at one point! For some stupid reason, though, he begged the healer to save Soi. Oh, wait, I know the reason. He's madly in lust with Soi and he was thinking if he saved her he'd get into her pants! *growls* He didn't... But this whole incident had a rather strange outcome. Yui-sama said that we aren't to stage attacks on Konan anymore, and they won't attack us...aniki agreed, of course, and Soi is determined to keep Yui-sama out of danger so she did as well. The only one opposed to this is Nakago... As for me...I don't know how long this arrangement is going to last. Even if Soi, aniki, myself, and Yui-sama leave the Suzaku Seishi and their miko alone, the bastard won't stop attacking them...I'm just trying to see how long it takes him to screw up the whole thing. I don't know what's wrong...I don't even want to hurt Tamahome or Suzaku no Miko anymore. I hated them so much for so long...now I just want the war to end. *laughs* I sound just like aniki... *sigh* Aniki...please talk to me... ...Could he...? - 8/22/2002 I'm beginning to wonder if...my fears are needless... Suboshi and I were talking earlier, and said the one I loved would hate me if he ever knew. He said that...he'd not only NOT hate me...but he'd feel much better knowing that I loved him. He put his arms around me and said I was wonderful...and that he could never hate me for ANYTHING as long as he lived. I got this strange feeling from his embrace...it was so...warm, so...loving... *sighs* Could Suboshi's love...really be the same as my love? H-He knows... - 8/27/2002 Earlier...he said "Otouto...I love you, and...I know...or at least think I know what you've been thinking about lately...I-I know, these feelings of mine are just...weird and I'll try and get over them unless...you don't mind." Then he mumbled something about not making any sense whatsoever, hugged me, said he was sorry, and ran off. He still isn't back...*sighs* There's been almost no time to write anything lately...the war is coming to an end, and Nakago broke Yui-sama's promise, so things are uglier than ever. Yui-sama...I still care for her even though we never were meant to be... We did talk last night and I think she knows what's going on between Amiboshi and I..."You can't hide from him much longer, Suboshi. If you guys don't talk soon you'll both end up miserable!", she said...*sigh* She's right. I guess...if he sort of knows anyway what's the point in hiding from him anymore? Aniki...I'm not going to run away anymore... Sad news, and the moment of truth - 8/28/2002 I...regret saying this, but Soi is gone. She died heroically in a battle against the Suzaku Seishi. Tasuki tried to kill Yui with a borrowed sword, and Soi...got in the way. Needless to say, Yui's beyond heartbroken. She's been crying all night. *sighs* In other news...it's pretty obvious Suboshi knows about my feelings for him. He said...we needed to talk...and that he couldn't stand running away any longer... *sighs* He's waiting for me. *swallows a lump forming in his throat* The moment of truth...will be reject me? Will he accept me even if he can't love me back the same way? Yes, there's the .001% chance he might feel the same way...but I'm not lucky... Please...a-at least...accept me and stay with me even if you can't feel the same way...otouto... Otouto! - 8/29/2002 We talked. N-not only...is he not angry at me... He... *tears spill over* He feels the same way! I-I've never felt so...so relieved... And at the same time, I've never felt so afraid. Now that we're closer than ever, I'm more afraid than ever of losing him...the nightmares, they won't leave me alone...*shivers* I just want us to get through this and for this stupid war to end...I'm so tired... I want peace...I want everything to be all right. Aniki!! - 8/29/2002 He feels the same way! He isn't angry at me! I knew it! *collapses to his knees, sobbing with relief* Aniki... *sigh* I'm worried, though...he said he was afraid of losing me because of the war...he kept dreaming...I-I'm scared too, but I just...I can't let him see that! I want to be strong... I want us to just...get out of this war alive. I can't stand to see him so afraid anymore... Aniki... Tired of it all - 8/30/2002 I'm a f*cking bastard. Why did aniki say he loved me anyway? I'm heartless. I dragged someone I love into a war. I forced myself on a girl I loved. I killed an old man and several children in cold blood. I tried to rape Suzaku no Miko. I killed one of my fellow Seishi. What does this make me? A cold-blooded, heartless bastard. They say sooner or later everyone suffers the reprecussions for what they did. Guess this is what it's like. They didn't say it f*cking hurt so much. I wish I was dead. Aniki deserves better. Yui-sama was right never to love me. Forgive me, aniki...but those death dreams of yours will be a reality. I can't go on like this anymore... I'm fine - 9/1/2002 Sorry for that annoying angst entry the other night. I'm all right now. Last night, Aniki said...he wants us to run away from Kutou, away from the war. I wanted to agree with him so badly, but...running away might be even more dangerous than staying. I don't want to put him in more danger than I already have. I feel...the darkness approaching slowly...the war may be ending soon... But I fear...one or both of us won't be there to enjoy it... *shudders* Why do I suddenly feel...that the next battle may...be my last? Fear - 9/2/2002 Suboshi told me his fear of not coming back from the next battle alive... I honestly didn't think he was so afraid. He told me what happened, happened...and no use worrying. *sigh* I still want us to run away from Kutou...but it would be even more dangerous than staying. He's right. If one of us is going to die in battle, I...I'd rather it was me... As long as I knew he would have a safe place to stay, or someone to care for him...I would give my life to protect my brother. *shudders* - 9/5/2002 His fate has been sealed.... I dreamed again last night, images of his death play in my mind over and over... I can't stop shaking... I don't want to lose him, not now, not ever... Otouto... *collapses to his knees, sobbing violently* I don't want to die... - 9/5/2002 But I'm afraid my next battle will be my last. It's inevitable... Aniki...please forgive me. I...I have but one life to live...one life to give... Amiboshi...I ask of you...please don't stop me. As much as I don't want to leave you...I can't run from fate...if I don't stop them, who knows what they're capable of? The bandit has issues with Yui-sama, Tamahome will risk life and limb to protect his one true love Suzaku no Miko, Hotohori will do anything to avenge his Nuriko... I can't let them come after you, aniki. I can't! Please... Don't cry for me, beloved aniki... I love you. Never forget that. -Suboshi My soul has been torn apart - 9/6/2002 *manages to stop crying long enough to report the bad news* H-he's gone... Suboshi... My beloved brother... Dead... I-it was a few hours ago, I-I can still feel the gaping hole in my chest...wh-where he was torn from my soul...my heart... I-it was the exact same Suzaku Seishi from my dream...Tamahome, Tasuki, and Hotohori... It was a close match...h-he almost had them...but something went wrong, his weapon...backfired... His death...I felt it...like something was being torn from me...a stab in my heart... I-I wasn't there...Yui filled me in on what basically happened... His last words were of us both... "Yui-sama...aniki...itoshii aniki...forgive me..." *breaks down in violent sobs once more* Otouto... R-rest well...otouto...I-I love you, I always have, a-and I always will... Nothing - 9/9/2002 It hurts. Every minute of every day without him. Hurts. Miaka came by last night to console me...it was so awkward, we hadn't spoken in so long... She's as wonderful as she always was. Kind, warm...she held me in her arms, her voice was so soft in my ear... I still love her, I guess. But it just...isn't the same as my brother. We'd finally said we loved each other only weeks ago... Was it that long ago? It seems like...only yesterday, we sat outside, looking at the stars, wrapped in each other's arms. I miss him...I miss hearing his voice, feeling his embrace, looking into his eyes... 'Aniki'... I'd give anything to hear that again from him...anything... Otouto... Broken - 9/13/2002 I can't even cry anymore...it hurts, but I've run out of tears. *sighs* Slightly off topic... I know you're wondering why I've kept the title of this diary...despite Suboshi being gone...and the front page...I just can't bring myself to re-name it, or edit the front page, out of respect... *sniffles* I still hear his voice...sometimes it's...like he never even left. 'Aniki...' Then I remember he's gone... I feel so dead inside lately... I'd give my soul just...to see you again, otouto...even for a second... I miss you. Tribute - 9/16/2002 kusa no fue fuki kaze ni nose mugi no umi koe futasu no kodou deau hi wa sakuya no sadame The playing of a reed flute carries on the wind over the sea of wheat. Last night's destiny was to be the day that two beats meet.
nagaki hi wo hitori sugoshi tomoshibi ni te wo kazasu haru wo matsu fuyu no you ni tagai no kokoro wa Spending a long day alone, I spread my hand before shade Each of our hearts is like winter that waits for spring,
natsukashii sora no shita kusa ikire yuuhi no nagorimichi saita hana no you kataranai kuchibiru ni fue wo ate Underneath the dear [nostalgic] sky The scent of grass The setting sun's farewell path bloomed, like a flower. I put a flute to lips that don't speak.
tooku no kumo hedatsu toki sae umeyou to Only time separates the distant clouds... Let's try to fill it
kanaderu neiro mizu wo uchi ai no mune saku futatsu no kodou hikiyoseru midareru omoi The tone that plays hits the water, tearing the love in my heart. The two beats draw near Disturbed thoughts
aoi fune futari nosete itamu kizu wakachiau fuan ya osoreru kimochi ai kara mamotte Riding a blue ship together We share a painful wound. Protect love from uneasiness and fear.
yuudachi nikushimi mo dou ka aratte yo kage wo fumu komichi aruita ano hi e Evening showers, please wash away hate as well. Stepping on shadows, I walked along the path to that day.
tourou kawa ni nagashite oikaketa I chased after lanterns floating on the river.
chiisa na itoshisa ni afureta kishi ni tatsu Overfilled with a little affection, I stand on the shore.
natsukashii sora no shita kusa ikire yuuhi no nagorimichi   saita hana no you kataranai kuchibiru ni fue wo ate Underneath the dear [nostalgic] sky The scent of grass The setting sun's farewell path bloomed, like a flower. I put a flute to lips that don't speak.
chiisa na itoshisa ni afureta kishi ni tatsu Overfilled with a little affection, I stand on the shore. --- For you...my beloved brother. I miss you more than anything. I love you. *closes his eyes, a single tear sliding down his cheek* Time is running out - 9/20/2002 Those same cold, horrifying visions I had before Suboshi's death have come back...this time I'm in his place. I don't know how much longer I'll be here. I've sworn myself to avenge my brother and be here for Yui-san. But the end is nearing... Otouto, I'm scared...all that talk about saying I wished for death...I-I was wrong, I was foolish. I've never been more afraid in my life. *shivers, tears dripping from his eyes* Farewell - 9/21/2002 Nakago has angered the Suzaku Seishi once more. We meet again for an ugly battle... I will not fight. But I know...tonight will be my last night to live. I feel it. Yui-sama...I pray you get home safely and reconcile with Miaka-san. Don't cry... Miaka-san...I thank you for all your kindness. Suzaku Seishi...I'm truly sorry for all the trouble I caused you that day. Otouto... I'm going to be joining you soon. I tried...I tried to avange you...and our parents... I am sorry. *brushes away tears as he slowly gets up to leave* Goodbye. Final goodbyes - 9/22/2002 Hi...this is Yui, the much talked-about Seiryuu no Miko. I...I regret to inform you...that Amiboshi has died. He died on the battlefield not long ago. Nakago...tried to stab Miaka, and...Amiboshi...got in the way. His last words were: "Yui-san...Miaka-san...please get home safely...I'm sorry...I failed you both. Beloved otouto...I tried...at least...we'll be together now..." *sniffled, tears running down her cheeks* Rest well, Amiboshi-kun...may your next life be better than this...you never belonged in a war. Never. ...Alive... - 9/26/2002 How...? My mind is reeling...the last thing I remember was being stabbed with a sword...dying... I just awoke in an empty apartment, yet...I'm not alone. *notices someone get up from the bed next to his* ...OTOUTO!! *speechless, tears of joy streaming down his face* We're alive...we've been given a second chance! We're free... I'm assuming we're in the modern world...Japan, to be exact... If we're alive...I wonder if Soi, Nuriko, Hotohori, and the rest of the Seishi are as well? I hope so. I hope Soi and Yui are re-united... I hope...from now on everything will be all right...not perfect, just...all right. ...!! - 9/26/2002 OW! *rubs his side, cursing himself for getting up too fast* Gah, how long have I been out like this anyway? ...*glances around the apartment and nearly falls out of bed* ...Where am I...? The last thing...I can remember is...lying on the ground, bleeding to death... 'Yui-sama...aniki...' ...I-I'm alive...?! Wait...I-I'm not alone...*someone in the bed next to his stirs a little...the familiar form becomes visible...* ...ANIKI!! *bursts into tears* He's alive! We're alive... A second chance? If this is...I-I promise...I'll never let anything come between us again...I won't put you in danger anymore, aniki...*cries tears of joy* They're back! - 9/29/2002 *smiles* We just found out Soi moved into the apartment next to ours. It was so good to see her again! Of course, she and Yui-san were reunited...*sighs* Yui-san was so happy to see her again, I hadn't seen that smile of hers since...back then when she and Soi were a couple. I think...Suboshi is beginning to accept them a bit more now...or at least trying. He looked pretty sad... I also found out that Hotohori and Tasuki are living in the building as well. *laughs* Other than that, we didn't find anyone else... Suboshi and I have been accepted into the high school Miaka and Yui are attenting. We start this Monday...it's gonna be strange, I'm still not all that used to living here... I should go to bed now...it's late and I'm verging on incoherent. *sarcasm* GREEEAT - 10/1/2002 First day in high school. Amiboshi and I walk to school with Miaka and Yui-sama and it's not that bad-Tamahome and Tasuki are there as well...I actually missed them, even that bastard Tamahome. We just talk for awhile, and it's like we've always been a gang and not deadly rivals, ya know? Then, school actually begins. I should've known: If you're a twin, teachers are gonna peg ya. Good Twin and Bad Twin. Three guesses as to who the bad twin is and the first 2 don't count. Makes sense. Amiboshi's intelligent and nice and sweet, and I'm just an average guy with a bad temper. Immediately the teacher gets all stern and says "We don't allow violence in school, Suboshi! You'll be spending plenty of time in detention if you don't behave!". *mutters* The bastard...some stuck up kid in the front row snickered, but that was about it...Tamahome actually threw out a wisecrack on my behalf: "Careful, if ya peg him this early in the year you'll get your wish. And how do you know Amiboshi's Mr. Perfect?"...I'm annoyed that he dragged aniki inta this, but...maybe he isn't such a bad guy, I guess. *sigh* They gave us homework in ever class. Fortunately, aniki helped me with mine so at least I won't get detention for not doing it... GAH, homework - 10/1/2002 They give us about 50 assignments a night, I swear! *sigh* All I've got left is the trigonometry one, fortunately... I feel so bad for Suboshi! He's having a lot of trouble in science and mathematics...I'm trying to help him, but I'm not all that great at them either. I just BARELY understand some of the material... It's not that we didn't expect school to be hard. Hell, after our past lives it's a BREEZE! But still...*sigh* An English novel that spans about 10 different countries and written in all those languages, translated to Japanese...this guy abandons his job as a bartender to chase a woman across so many countries. Actually, the professor took parts from several chapters and pasted em onto a single document, then gave everyone a copy. *mind boggles* I managed to get through the assignment all right, but MAN... Suboshi doesn't get it at all...I think I'm going to help him so the professor doesn't end up whining to EVERYONE. Trigonometry=evil - 10/3/2002 It's only the 4th day of school and I'm already in trouble. I had a homework-detention after school because I got half the answers on the stupid trig assignment wrong! Even Miaka did better than me and she's terrible at math! *sighs* I hate this. Aniki's been trying to help me with it, but even he's having trouble... So tired... - 10/6/2002 I just finished my homework an hour ago. I've been doing homework for most of the weekend-my own AND helping Suboshi with his! Fortunately, we got together with Miaka, Yui, Hotohori, Nuriko, Tasuki, Tamahome, Soi, Chichiri, Mitsukake, and Chiriko...it was nice, seeing everyone and just hanging out with no bad blood between anyone...well, sort of. Tasuki and Yui did NOT get along! Miaka and Chichiri kept having to come between their screaming matches. *laughs* But we got everything done...now I'm exhausted...I'm going to bed. Women! - 10/9/2002 For some reason, a few girls in our year have decided to gang up on me. And I don't mean chasing and giggling and glomping me like the boy genius glomps Yui-sama. They call me a slacker and make fun of me whenever I get in trouble for schoolwork issues, laugh and call me a moron or a dumbass whenever I walk by, and say I smell! I DO NOT SMELL! I shower every friggin day and I use deodorant...or baking soda...or car air freshener... *huge sweatdrop* It's not like THEY always smell like friggin roses! *sighs* At least it's not real bullying...YET. And it isn't important. At least no one's been harassing Amiboshi...cause if anyone did there'd be friggin hell to pay! *heaves a huge sigh and gets back to his Literature homework* *muttermutter* - 10/16/2002 Dear Teachers and other Education Department Members, F*CK YOU! What's the point of these things we call "grades" anyway? Other than an excuse for teachers to either praise students for being perfect or yell at them for being worthless, that is. That's all your "grading system" is anyway. Something designed to screw with the fragile self-confidence of teenagers. LIKE ME! So far, all but like, one of my professors dislikes me for being a lousy student. Tamahome and Tasuki aren't very good students either, but good enough to only hear "straighten up and fly right" once a week. Yui-sama and aniki are wonderful students, so they get loads of praise. And Miaka, who was an IDIOT in junior high according to herself and Yui-sama, may not get straight As now, but she WORKS hard, so the teachers love her for that. Not that I resent her. And I especially don't resent Yui-sama or aniki! I'm happy for them! I just wish...grades didn't determine what I was worth. I AM trying! I just don't grasp things tightly enough...poor aniki, he's always trying so hard to help and I keep failing. I just wasn't cut out to be a good student, I guess... And it gets worse - 10/20/2002 The teachers are giving out more and more homework every day. I'm barely managing to keep up with it AND help Suboshi at the same time! Because of this, Suboshi refuses my help, saying he'd rather fail and that the teachers hate his guts than stress ME out more. *sighs* It'd be less stressful for me to do my work AND help you than watch you struggle, otouto! To make matters worse, something's going around...people are getting sick at the school. Ugh, my head... - 10/26/2002 These last few days I'm getting a lot of headaches. Tasuki says I'm just working too hard. Maybe, but are a scratchy throat and sneezing symptoms of 'working too hard'? *coughs* Fortunately, I finished all my homework last night...I should be helping Suboshi with his, but he wouldn't let me...so I kinda promised I'd stay in bed and not stress myself out. Now I know what he must've felt like whenever HE got sick and I made him stay in bed. *laughs slightly* Sick - 10/29/2002 *coughs* I've got this cold that's been going around lately...Mitsukake-san and the doctor Suboshi dragged me to said I should stay in bed and avoid any schoolwork for at least 4 days. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now, but I wanted to write in here before Suboshi got home, just to let anyone reading this know I'm still here. *sweatdrop* So I'm overprotective - 11/3/2002 Aniki was complaining about that the other day-he said that he wasn't feverish anymore, so he should be allowed to go back to school or at least do homework. I wanted him to stay in bed and get some more rest...he was still coughing and sounded kinda tired! *sweatdrop* Okay, maybe I AM being overprotective. But he's my brother and I care about him! He's the only family I've got...I love him. *glances over at Amiboshi, who is curled up under a blanket reading on the bed* Besides, he's done the same thing to me whenever I was sick. *sticks tongue out* Feelings... - 11/5/2002 I'm back in school and feeling much better! ...Physically, that is. While I was sick, Suboshi was...so wonderful. He took care of me, brought me medicine and tried to cook, stayed with me while I slept...I'd wake up to the sound of his gentle voice, feeling his fingers gently stroking my hair and my face...just having him there was the best medicine. Knowing he's there makes me feel warm inside...*sighs dreamily* There's no question that I love him, he is my brother... But lately...something inside me is...thinking maybe it's...more than that...I keep having a vision of our old lives...it's so confusing! *sighs* I don't understand... He asked me what was wrong earlier, and I said I still felt a little run-down...I can't tell him about this, it's just too weird and he'll freak out. Confusion... - 11/10/2002 Last night, Amiboshi was helping me with my homework when out of nowhere, just looking at him...I...I had this strange vision of us, in bed together...wrapped in each other's arms while violence went on outside our tent! We're not reading anything about war in school! Not yet at least! It was completely random... Even stranger, while I was getting ready for bed, Amiboshi said, out of nowhere, that I "looked cute when I was all tired and rumpled-looking". He's just been acting a bit strange lately...Mitsukake-san said he was well. *sighs* I'm rambling...I'd better just go finish my homework. Why do I feel this way? - 11/14/2002 Lately, whenever I'm with him, I just feel so...strange. When I look at him, I don't just see my brother...his eyes are just like mine, yet...I'd rather gaze into his than look at my own in the mirror. His smile...his voice...such ordinary things, I suddenly notice them so much more...he's beautiful...but we look exactly alike. Alike...yet so different... I'm the quiet one...he's the tough, violent one. He is fire, I am ice. Bright orange. Sky blue. Yin. Yang. ...I'm sitting here, writing poetry/prose about my brother. Of course I love him. But...this feeling... Does one's heart normally beat faster when their sibling is near them? ...I...I'm so confused. *closes his eyes, tears running down his cheeks* *blows his bangs off of his forehead* - 11/18/2002 I'm seeing a counselor. Someone at the school. I don't know what posessed me to go in and see her, I hate talking to strangers about myself. But she was really nice...I told her I was worried about Amiboshi, and she didn't ask millions of questions or give too much advice...she was just a good listener. I'm going to see her again next week. I really am worried about aniki...I wish he would talk to me. Midnight Confessions - 11/24/2002 I'm falling in love with him. I really am. I realized it just this afternoon, at the cafe...he started glancing at Yui, longingly, as he's been doing a lot lately. And all of a sudden, I...I just wanted to cry. What's worse, I felt comforted that Yui couldn't love him back. I'm so selfish. I hate seeing my brother in pain, I hate myself for being glad that he can't be with Yui. In a perfect world, he'd get to be with the girl of his dreams! And I'd be happy for him! But the world is flawed. I'm in love with my brother. My own flesh and blood. Love. How can a single one-syllable word cause books' worth of anguish? "You're in love with her, aren't you?" - 11/30/2002 Aniki asked me that awhile ago. Are my feelings for Yui-sama really that obvious? ..."Yui-sama". I haven't called her that..since...back then... Am I in love with her? I don't know... Maybe I should try and explain. One night a few weeks ago, Amiboshi and I...had a bit of a misunderstanding and I ran off, thinking I hurt him. I ran into this...strange, yet familiar-looking man. He asked me what I was doing running around at such an hour, then asked if my brother and I had a fight...then Amiboshi, Soi, and Yui-sama ran out and yelled at him...and when Yui-sama slapped him and told him to get away from me, this feeling came over me...I found myself thinking about how beautiful she was, my heart was beating fast, I...I couldn't think straight. Yui-sama... Aniki... Why does this seem so familiar? Why do I suddenly feel like crying? Setsunakute - 12/1/2002 I hate seeing him cry. It's like a knife in my heart, it hurts so f*cking much. I hate it! Especially when I'm the reason he's crying. I know it's my fault. I always manage to hurt him in one way or another. It's sick, it really is. Hurting aniki is the last thing I ever want to do! I love him! I'd rather throw myself in front of a moving truck than be the reason for his tears! And here I am. This feels way too familiar. I...I feel sick, I just want to curl up and cry. Aniki, I'm sorry. Silent tears - 12/8/2002 Why am I crying? Everything seemed to be getting somewhat better...until yesterday. Suboshi continues to pine away for Yui. He's going to get his heart broken badly. He knows she and Soi are deeply in love, and he knows that Yui could never love him the same way he loves her. But he still longs for her. Sometimes it's like...he's completely blind to the world except for her. His eyes only see Yui, ignoring everything and everyone else. I'm just selfish, though. I want him to gaze at me the way he gazes at her...I wish I was the one he loved... ...Listen to me. I sound like Nuriko-san...*laughs bitterly* Silver Stars - 12/9/2002 Wishing on a dream that seems far off Hoping it will come today. Into the starlit night, Foolish dreamers turn their gaze, Waiting on a shooting star. But, what if that star is not to come? Will their dreams fade to nothing? When the horizon darkens most, We all need to believe there is hope. Is an angel watching closely over me? Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see? I know my heart should guide me, but, There's a hole within my soul. What will fill this emptiness inside of me? Am I to be satisfied without knowing? I wish, then, for a chance to see, Now all I need, (desperately) Is my star to come... -- I don't play video game RPGs, but I love this song...even if it's sad... What have I done now? - 12/10/2002 Amiboshi would barely speak to me all night. I waited for him to come out of his session with the counselor (He's seeing her now as well), and when he did come out, he barely looked at me as he said "Let's go home"...he didn't even call me "otouto" like he normally does. So obviously he's mad at me about something. I can tell. The question is, what? Why are you so upset with me, aniki? Why won't you talk to me? What did I do? Whatever it was, I'm sorry! Just please...talk to me, give me some sign...that you'll forgive me... *buries his face in his hands, beginning to cry* If only I could explain... - 12/12/2002 Yes, otouto. I am mad at you. I'm angry because of the way you behave around Yui. The way you constantly stare at her in study hall and make a big show of drooling over her when we're just hanging out somewhere. I'm just trying to look out for you...you're trying to touch a star you know you can't, yet you keep reaching. You'll end up being burned, otouto. Yui loves Soi very much and isn't interested in you as more than a friend. But whenever anyone tells you that, you ignore them and continue to reach for that star...I just don't want you to get your heart broken... That, and... I'm selfish. It's bad enough I had to fall in love with you...the constant reminder that you'd be disgusted if you ever knew is like a slap in the face. I'm sick of seeing you so obsessed with Yui... In fact...sometimes I feel like you're just making a big deal out of your feelings for her to get to me...I keep having images of you in my mind, knowing my feelings for you and being sickened by them, constantly flirting with Yui...glaring at me, slapping me across the face... I am angry at you, otouto. Because I love you. And for that, I'm angry at myself even more. *breaks down in tears* I can't. - 12/13/2002 I can't be angry at him anymore. I can't hate him. I just can't...now I feel terrible for thinking he'd hurt me on purpose! I know he loves me...not the way I wish he did, but he loves me. And I don't care if things are distant between us. I love him, and I'm going to be there for him and be the same sweet older twin I always was. No more tears or angst. Otouto, I'm sorry for all I put you through...I love you. Guilt - 12/18/2002 The good news is, aniki's not mad at me and we're on good terms again. The bad news is...I don't know how much longer I can live with this guilt. I not only made aniki feel unwanted by drooling over Yui-sama...I...I kind of used her. See...I wanted to hide my true feelings and while I do feel very strongly for Yui-sama...I...I'm falling in love with someone else. Someone who would run away in horror if he knew... Gomen nasai, Yui-sama...aniki... *sniffles* I feel so stupid. Christmas wishes - 12/21/2002 Well, school's finally let out for the holidays. It seems horribly AMERICAN for them to do that, but I guess they felt sorry for us, being so overworked. It's snowing here a lot. It looks pretty, but it's annoying to walk to and from school in... Miaka, Yui, and the others asked me what MY wishes for Christmas were this year. I joked that I already got mine-to live like a normal teenager. My real Christmas wish? That Suboshi and I never fall out like that again. That we can just be brothers and love each other, even if my affection for him is more than brotherly. I'd wish for my love not to be unrequited any longer, but that would be selfish. I can't use wishes or magic or things like that to manipulate feelings. Especially my brother's. So all I wish is for him to stay by my side. Heh...Merry Christmas - 12/24/2002 Just writing this cause I might not have a chance tomorrow...Merry Christmas, all. *smiles slightly* Merry Christmas! - 12/25/2002 Ours was nice. *smiles* We just spent the day hanging out with Miaka, Nuriko, Yui, Hotohori, Chiriko, etc. Everyone was relaxed and there wasn't a lot of arguing. We exchanged gifts, drank flavored coffee, watched Christmas episodes of American shows (Some of em are pretty hilarious! *laughs* We watched one called "The Simpsons", and it looks like anime but the characters have yellow skin and cue-ball shaped eyes. Good show, even if some of the humor is pretty crude.), and talked... I think the feelings I had for Suboshi are calming down. I still love him, but the 'pain of unrequited romantic love' feeling isn't there...maybe it's just a temporary thing, though. *sighs* Who knows? I'm just glad for today...it was one of the best days of my life. Time flies - 1/2/2003 Heh. I can't believe I forgot the obligatory musings on the end of 2002...we both did. New Years' was all right...staying up till midnight was no big deal for us, fortunately. We all made resolutions, then laughed cause we're probably not gonna keep them long. *snicker* MY resolution is...not to blame myself for my brother's pain so much...and...to stop being so confused about my feelings for him... AND to keep up with this diary. I should've known it wouldn't last - 1/2/2003 I thought I was over it and everything was going to be all right...then Suboshi and I had a fight cause...I...said something stupid. We were just doing our homework and I mentioned that he seemed to be over Yui. He got all defensive and accused me of accusing him of being a player. I didn't even MENTION his liking another girl! Why did he get so upset? *sighs* He wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day...I feel like such an idiot. I'm sorry, otouto... *clenches fists* - 1/5/2003 I told him I wasn't angry at him. That I was just in a bad mood and didn't mean to snap at him about mentioning Yui. And he said it was fine. But in the last few days, he's barely SAID much to me! He always looks sad or concerned or distant... Aniki... I'm breaking my resolution. I know it's my fault he's in pain. Aniki, I...I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you...please...talk to me. Sigh... - 1/15/2003 I haven't been able to post for the last several days...if it wasn't FOD messing up it was piles of homework. We're getting more than ever lately, it seems. So, by the time I get done with mine AND with helping Suboshi, it's almost 11pm. I'd have a sniffly, whiny stress fit, but I don't want to seem childish. Besides, it's not THAT bad...at least I'm not taking on a part-time job as a software salesman. *laughs weakly* Actually, Suboshi is trying harder lately. He's stayed in at night every week to study and when we work together and I'm trying to explain something...well...he actually GETS it on the first try! I don't know why he's suddenly hanging on my every word, but...I'm not complaining. *smiles* He still gets frustrated if he doesn't get something, though, which still makes me feel bad...I'm a bit curious as to why he's trying this hard all of a sudden, but I shouldn't complain or ask questions...I get the sneaking suspicion he wants to impress someone by seeming intelligent, but...no, it can't be. I shouldn't make assumptions like that... *in a state of shock* - 1/28/2003 I can't believe it...it's just...so weird... My trig professor...died...last night. Of a heart attack. The principal told us this morning...it's so weird... He wasn't my FAVORITE teacher, I wasn't crazy about him, but I respected him...wasn't such a bad guy...just...stern... Suboshi didn't like him that much at all, though...in fact, they argued quite a few times, some even in class! He's kind of shaken up about this, though...he said something about it being his fault, thinking he'd be arrested for murder...he didn't DO anything, he never even said he wanted Matsura-sensei dead... It isn't his fault. It's just...something that happened. The funeral is this Friday. I'll probably show up for awhile, pay my respects. *unable to stop shaking* - 1/28/2003 I-I'm a murderer...th-this is all my fault...I-I'm a killer...I-I know it's my fault! As you've probably read in aniki's entry...Matsura-sensei, our trig professor, died last night. I didn't like that guy. He didn't like me. We argued a few times a week, at least...even in class! In fact...that's probably what killed him last night. A week ago, we had an argument and he humiliated me by making some snide remarks about my temper and how "I can't learn the material by bullying the equations into making sense"...it pissed me off! Especially when some of the other people in the room laughed! I was so angry...after class, I told aniki that I wanted to strangle the jerk, that I hated his guts... A week later... He's dead of a heart attack. I-it was my fault...even if I never actually WANTED to kill him... My fault... Well, everyone else says it is... - 1/29/2003 Today at school, half our YEAR found out about my argument with Matsura-sensei and what I'd said after that class. So now people are saying stuff like "Wow, you've got some power!" or "You're a murderer!". A lot of it sounds like they're just kidding around, but a few of em sounded pretty damn serious. Tomorrow the whole school's going to think I killed him. Great. The funeral - 2/1/2003 The funeral was today instead of yesterday...guess they figured Matsura-sensei wouldn't have wanted us to miss classes. *fractured smile* It was all right, as far as funerals go, I guess...Suboshi seemed pretty disturbed most of the time, though. I wish I could ease his mind somehow, make him realize he wasn't responsible in the least for what happened... I wish everyone would just shut up about it! - 2/6/2003 It's been about a week since Matsura-sensei died, and people are still saying stuff about how I "killed him", or "predicted his death". Some of em are even turning against me and calling me an evil bastard killer..*twitches* At least aniki and Yui and Miaka and the gang are on my side, but...I'm tired of random students yelling at me in the hallways and calling me a killer! Why can't they just leave me alone?! *sighs* I feel lousy enough thinking it's my fault to begin with! Must they rub it in?! I didn't REALLY want the guy dead, dammit! I was just pissed off! Impulsive? Me? - 2/7/2003 I did something that those closet to me would consider "Very un-Amiboshi"... I got my ear pierced. A small bronze stud in my left ear. Kinda a long story behind this, actually...Suboshi had to stay after school for detention because he got in a fight with this other guy...they're still going on about the Matsura-sensei thing. *sigh* I decided to go to the mall and pick up a sheet music book I wanted to get. I ended up running into Nuriko and coming with him to this piercing parlor. *huge sweatdrop* He was getting a second hole in one ear...and somehow, I got to thinking 'What if I got an earring'. Nuriko convinced me why it'd be a good idea to get one. So I figured, why not? If I didn't like it then I could take it out right away. I like how it looks, though...I was kind of nervous when I was showing Suboshi, but he said it looked nice... *blushes* I'm keeping it then! He was more relaxed earlier than he's been in a week...I think he's starting to believe he really was responsible for Matsura-sensei's death...poor guy. I can't stand this anymore! - 2/11/2003 *cries tears of anger* I've had it! I'm sick and tired of everyone saying it's my fault, saying "oh, you killed him!" and stuff like that! I feel bad enough without them yammering away about it every second! All day long it's "Don't go near Suboshi, you'll die! He's a real killer just by opening his mouth!", people who hate me enough to begin with finding new reasons to hate me, and even my friends wondering if "maybe I WAS kind of harsh". *clenches fists* I can't take this anymore! Aniki's the only one who will believe me, but...it's always the same thing, the one who understands you the most and who you KNOW is there for you no matter what...you just can't bring yourself to confide in... I just don't want him to worry about me more than he already does... *sighs* I'm getting sick tomorrow...I can't go back to that school and have everyone screaming at me for another day... *sighs* - 2/12/2003 Suboshi played sick to get out of school today. This whole thing with Matsura-sensei is getting out of hand. With him out of school everyone just talked MORE-"Maybe he's in jail cause the cops found out!" or "He knows it's his fault, he's ashamed to go out in public!" kind of stuff. Yesterday he ran out of English Lit when some guy compared him to a psychotic killer in a short story. He barely spoke to me the rest of the day and today he's refused to leave his room. He really believes it's his fault now, and I can't snap him out of it...all I could do earlier was hold him while he was crying...I tried to convince him that he didn't kill Matsura-sensei, but he didn't listen...just kept mumbling "It's my fault...it's my fault..." *sighs sadly* Otouto... As if my life wasn't bad enough right now - 2/13/2003 Everyone's still saying I 'killed' Matsura-sensei. I went back to school, and ended up crying in the hallways or the library most of the day. They wanted to burn it into my head that it was my fault, and they succeeded. Congratulations to them. The bastards. To make matters worse, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'm alone. Everyone hates me or is avoiding me. And mixed in with everything else... My feelings... I...I think... I'm falling in love...with the person the most forbidden to me... Aniki... I can't stop crying...it's wrong, he'd never look at me again...it hurts... Aniki...I need you more than anyone right now... Valentine's day - 2/15/2003 I got a few cards from Miaka and the gane...they're such good friends. But the most important one was from Suboshi. We were each others' Valentines tonight...and to be honest, I can't imagine spending the night with anyone else. Suboshi was so much calmer than he'd been in days...it feels so good to see him smiling and peaceful...he looks so beautiful that way. *sighs* Over the last several months I'd managed to put the whole 'being in love with him' thing in the back of my mind...but lately it's come back stronger than ever. I'm in love with him. There's no denying it, even if it's wrong in the eyes of society... I can't agonize, though...even if it isn't in the way I wish I could, I'm happy just to be with him. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone...even if it's a bit late. Poor guy... - 2/18/2003 During 3rd period, I got called out of my music history class to the school infirmary. The nurse told me Suboshi said he was sick, and wanted me to take him home since we...don't live with any parents. I got there, and he immediately ran over to hug me, then he asked something about a bottle of asprin I carried with me. I was confused...until the nurse left. Then he stopped seeming so glad to see me and said "I can't take this anymore. Please, aniki, come home and stay with me, I feel terrible!". He admitted later that he wasn't really that sick...I won't accuse him of lying, though. He did look like he was in pain, even if it wasn't from physical illness... But I was still sort of annoyed that he begged me to cut school under false pretenses, so I...kind of got stern with him and said that if he ever did that again I wasn't bailing him out of he got in trouble. Later, I came into our room to apologize and he threw himself into my arms crying. *sighs* I hate to see him like this...and all I can do is hold him and try to tell him everything will be okay... Yesterday - 2/20/2003 Yesterday All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be. There's a shadow hanging over me. Oh, yesterday came suddenly. Why she had to go, I don't know, She wouldn't say. I said something wrong, Now I long for yesterday. Yesterday Love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, I believe in yesterday. Why she had to go, I don't know, She wouldn't say. I said something wrong, Now I long for yesterday. Yesterday Love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, I believe in yesterday. This is getting way out of hand - 2/23/2003 It's been a month since Matsura-sensei's death. People are still insisting it was Suboshi's fault, and Suboshi still believes it's his fault. I can't stand to see him this way. He's so depressed and he'll barely come out of his room. In the last few days, he's either left school early or not gone at all. His tears are unbearable...seeing him cry makes me want to cry myself. He tells me to leave him alone, but when I put my arms around him, he latches onto my shirt and begs me not to leave. I'm more than happy to hold him, of course...but he won't even talk to me. He just cries and says he hates himself, for being a killer... Otouto... *eyes fill with tears* Nowhere left to hide - 2/24/2003 School was hell. I only forced myself to stay the whole day because I've stopped caring. Or I'm trying to tell myself that anyway. I can't concentrate, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop crying and feeling like scum. The only comfort I have anymore is aniki...I know he doesn't mind being there for me and holding me and stuff...but I don't want to be a burden on him...tired of seeing the pain in his eyes, knowing he's so worried... I need to get away from all this... Can't take it anymore.

No, I'm not killing myself. I'm not a coward...just need to run off somewhere and forget everything for awhile...I don't know. Silence can scream so loud - 2/25/2003 All day, he hasn't said a single thing to anyone...didn't even look up when people yelled his name and called him a murderer... He isn't even crying. Now I'm really worried... Otouto...I wish you would talk to me... ...*panics* - 2/25/2003 Suboshi...he's gone. I went to our room and found his jacket missing, and a note: "Aniki, I need to get away from this for awhile...I'll probably be back after you've gone to bed, but I WILL be back. Don't worry about me" He KNOWS that saying "don't worry about me" is going to make me worry more than I am! He's running through the streets on a weeknight, at this hour. We have a curfew! What if he gets arrested?! And it's dangerous out there! *eyes fill with tears* Damn it, otouto... I'll probably go out and look for him, though... Suboshi...otouto... Calmer now - 2/26/2003 Aniki came out in the rain at midnight last night to find me... I was at the cemetary, staring at Matsura-sensei's gravestone and crying and hating myself...can words really be that powerful? Amiboshi was nearly crying himself when he found me. But he didn't get mad-instead, he threw his own jacket over me with TOTAL disregard for his own health, and just stayed, holding me while I cried... He told me that he didn't want me to listen to that stuff people were saying, it wasn't my fault, it had nothing to do with anything I said, etc... That he loved me and he would always be here for me. I still feel like it was my fault, and the things people are saying aren't going to go away anytime soon...but I guess aniki is right... VERY luckily, he didn't catch a cold out there in the rain. *sneezes* I might've, though...oh, well. Sigh - 3/5/2003 Been pretty quiet here lately. Slowly, people are starting to drop the whole "killer" thing...VERY slowly. They don't yell at me in the hallways anymore, but they still stare and avoid me. It still hurts a little...thinking about it, I...I didn't hate Matsura-sensei that much...it just annoyed me that he was a nice guy to most of the class, but he was always coming down on me. I know I act like I could give a damn less about what the teachers say about me, but sometimes I feel like if they're going to blame me and pick apart everything I do wrong, why should I try? I hate feeling like I'm the worst student in the entire year. Hate it. Fortunately, I didn't have to put up with any of THAT today. I'm home sick. Caught a cold from walking around in the rain that night... Aniki should be home in a couple minutes...he was going to stay home entirely and take care of me, but I convinced him to go for at least 5 classes...he's such a worrywart. *smiles* Wouldn't have him any other way, though. Normal? - 3/10/2003 The good thing is, Suboshi seems to be feeling better now... The bad news is, he's still being a bit distant. Coincidentally, I still have feelings for him. ...No, he can't have caught on...it's not like I ever even IMPLY anything, but...otouto isn't as dense as he seems... *sigh* I'm only writing in here for the sake of writing. I can't sleep. What's with him? - 3/17/2003 Aniki's been acting strange lately... Again. We went through this around the beginning of the school year, and then it kinda quieted down for awhile. Now he's like that again... *sigh* And sometimes it seems like he's even more depressed now. He's so quiet, and he's always standing by himself in the hallway whenever I meet up with him after a class we don't share...just staring at nothing... But he always seems to smile when he's with me. So that's good. On another note...Miaka and Yui loaned us some of their manga books. I'm really getting into this one title called "Yuu Yuu Hakusho". The main character's a real jackass-teachers hate him, he's always getting into fights, and his grades suck. *smiles sadly* He's just like me. Some guys have all the luck - 3/26/2003 Ignore the title. Just some random American song lyric. *sweatdrop* Ever have one of those days/nights/whatever where you feel like something you're trying your hardest to keep secret is written all over your face? Tonight was uneventful. Did homework, read the "Rurouni Kenshin" manga Miaka loaned me...I hate violence, but this series pulls off the constant fighting and bloodshed well. Plus, I have to admit...Kaoru is pretty cute. *laughs* Not as cute as Suboshi, though. ...Damn it, I've gone off on a tangent again...earlier, Suboshi came in, and I started talking about Mitsukake-san helping out some people overseas involved in this America/Iraq war, then how stupid the guy running America seems...I felt so stupid. But Suboshi said it was cute. He's so oblivious...he doesn't know the half of what I'm thinking 90% of the time...the way I think about him... He can't ever know. He'd be disgusted with me. *sighs, gets up to feed Tama-chan (Mitsukake-san's pet cat; he left him with me while he's overseas) before he goes to bed* Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - 3/30/2003 Jeez, how cliché can ya get? But it's true. Other people might look at Amiboshi and see him as a normal guy. Girls think he's cute, some of the gay guys at our school have said they wouldn't mind dating him... And I think he's absolutely beautiful. We look exactly the same, but it isn't just his looks. It's just the way he is...calm, thoughtful, intelligent, considerate...his smile always makes me feel warm inside, and hearing him play his flute...I could listen to him play for hours, I swear... He's beautiful. In every sense of the word. *sighs* And I think... I think I'm falling in love with him. The Words I Feel - 4/4/2003 I've been watching you awhile Since you walked into my life Monday morning, when first I heard you speak to me I was too shy to let you know Much too scared to let my feelings show But you shielded me and that was the beginning Now at last we can talk In another way And though I try, I love you, Is just so hard to say If I only could be strong And say the words I feel My bleeding heart begins to race When I turn to see your face I remember that sweet dream Which you told to me I wanted just to be with you So we could make the dream come true And you smiled at me and that was the beginning Now at last we can talk In another way And though I try, I love you, Is just so hard to say If I only could be strong And say the words I feel Tell me what you're thinking of Tell me if you love me not I have so much I long to ask you But now the chance has gone When your picture fades each day In my heart the memory stays Though we rant, you're always smiling And I will hold it long - I don't really play RPG games...but Soi has the soundtrack CD, and we were listening to it a couple nights ago...this song spoke to me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it now...I love him. If only...I could tell him how much... Aniki...you're more than a brother to me... *eyes fill with tears* Rain - 4/8/2003 It rained today. It still is...and it doesn't look like it's going to stop tomorrow. So, I'm in my room, sitting on my bed with my knees drawn against my chest, listening to the raindrops beat against the windows. Suboshi is studying with Yui tonight. He invited me to come with them, but I always feel like a third wheel whenever he's with her. He isn't attracted to her in that way anymore, but he still gets sort of stammer-y and blushy around her. She doesn't love him. But she's kinder about it now. I like Yui. But I hate that he likes her. I'm selfish that way. But his liking her is a sign of his being straight. That he likes girls. That he could never love a guy, much less me. Just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. But I don't. Crying won't accomplish anything but making him worry. He knows when I've been crying. I can't hide anything from him. So Lord knows how long I've been able to hide this...this secret love that he'll be disgusted with me for if he knows. I went for a walk earlier. I thought I felt the rain on my face despite having an umbrella. Then I tasted salt, and realized it wasn't rain. An hour later, I still feel the drops on my face. Taste the salt on my lips. Suboshi...otouto... Even if...you can never love me this way, or ever know my feelings...I'll always be happy just to be with you, to have you by my side. I always have been. How could I not be? Aniki... *sigh* - 4/18/2003 He's so depressed lately. Usuaully he's so sharp about his schoolwork, but he's unable to concentrate in class lately. I've noticed. He even skipped English the other day and said that he had a headache. I don't believe him. When I hugged him, I felt him trembling and clinging onto my shirt...he won't tell me what's wrong, though. I wish he would. I hate seeing him like this. Coward - 4/21/2003 I'm such a freakin' coward. Aniki and I were alone the other night. Just talking, being ourselves, relaxing, etc. It was so perfect... The moment to tell him about my feelings. Then I remembered that I wasn't with some girl or guy from homeroom. This was my brother. And I backed out. I said something about his awesome grades and how I was proud to be his brother, and I wished I could be just as smart as he was. He said he was always glad to help me with my schoolwork. Aniki... *buries his head in his hands* I wish I could just TELL you how I felt! Why does it have to be so hard?! Because I'm an idiot and a coward, that's why. Anata no Ichiban ni Naritai - 4/22/2003 ienai kimochi o daita mama kono mune ni anata michitekuru dakedo setsunakute kurushii omoi naki dashisou
As I am holding on to feelings that I can't speak of, my heart is filled with (visions) of you. But it looks like these unbearably painful thoughts will make me cry. kanojo o mitsumeru sono hitomi towa yuru ga nai ki ga suru no demo ne, sukoshi dake . . . honno sukoshi dake kono watashi mite yo
Those eyes of yours are fixed on her, Forever unwavering it seems. But hey, just a little...only a little, could you look at me? moshi dare yori mo hayaku anata ni deatte itanara omou mama ni negau mama ni koi o shita deshou ka
If I had met you before anyone else You would have loved me as in my dreams...as I wish, right? mouichido moichido umare kawatte aeta nara koto wa anata no ichiban ni naritai
(If) once more...(if) once more we were to be born and meet again, next time, I want to be your number one. aeba au hodo ni tsunoru bakari awanakya sabishi kunaru bakari nante migatte na soshite konan na koi o shita no deshou
The more often we meet, the worse I feel. Seeing you is bound to just make me lonely. Isn't it selfish, this troublesome love that I feel? isso ubaeru mo no nara sou kangaeta koto mo aru futari no kyori mou kore ijou hanashitaku nai kara . . .
If I could only steal you... Yes, I have thoughts like those too. The distance between us...This is over...I don't wish to speak anymore. okubyou mono da to mou hitori no watashi ga iu soredemo itsudemo anata ga ichiban yo
"You coward", another of myself will say. Nevertheless, as always, I think you are the best. moshi dare yori mo hayaku anata ni deatte itanara omou mama ni negau mama ni koi o shita deshou ka
If I had met you before anyone else You would have loved me as in my dreams...as I wish, right? mouichido moichido umare kawatte aeta nara koto wa anata no ichiban ni naritai
(If) once more...(if) once more we were to be born and meet again, next time, I want to be your number one. --- This is from an episode of an anime series Miaka and Yui watch...I don't know much about it myself, but...this song really hit home...nearly made me cry. *growls* - 4/28/2003 Today, I went ballistic at a girl for TALKING to Amiboshi. She was scared, I felt guilty, and aniki just stared at me like I was on drugs. All she was DOING was asking him about a homework assignment! Why did I get so upset?! ...Oh, right. Cause I have feelings for him and I'm too cowardly to say anything. After that incident a couple guys started making fun of me for being "gay". I shut them up by saying "Oh, you WISH"...then their leader said he'd beat me up after school. So we fought. *holds ice to his arm* He got it worse, though. I gave him a black eye and a bloody nose, and if the sensei hadn't stormed out and broken up the fight it would've been worse. I have detention tomorrow. Yay. Amiboshi, you IDIOT! - 5/4/2003 I'm the biggest idiot who ever walked this stupid planet. I'm a moron. Suboshi's never going to speak to me again! Why? Well, it started out innocently enough. We were just studying for our upcoming exams and he leaned in to borrow my notes for a second...our eyes locked, and for a moment the world kinda went fuzzy...and then... I kissed him. Not just a peck on the cheek, or anything innocent. I mean, I kissed him full on the lips. The way I see Miaka and Tamahome, Nuriko-san and Hotohori-san, and Soi and Yui kiss. The way you SHOULD NEVER, EVER kiss your twin brother! Naturally, he freaked out and asked what I was doing. Before he could slap me or say he was disgusted and never wanted to speak to me again, I ran out. He's still banging on the door begging me to open up and talk to him every 15 minutes. I'm so stupid. *hugs himself tightly, tears streaming down his cheeks* So pathetic. Aniki, please... - 5/12/2003 Talk to me. You've barely said a word to me for days and you won't talk to anyone else. You look like you haven't been sleeping well, or eating enough. I swear you're losing weight. Whenever you play yout flute, it's always such a sad song...at night, I hear you crying yourself to sleep. Look...I know I didn't react very well to that kiss. I got scared, okay? The truth is...I couldn't have been happier when you kissed me. To me, it meant I was worrying over nothing. That you could, probably DID return my feelings for you. I wanted to laugh and throw my arms around you, bury my face in your hair and feel its softness against my skin...inhale the scent of your skin...tell you how much I love you, aniki. But I was an idiot. I froze, I didn't know what to say, I...I panicked... It's my fault. I...I've driven you away, I'm why you're this depressed lately. Aniki...I'm so sorry... Please...just tell me you're going to be all right...tell me you're not angry with me. That you love me... Aniki... Just when you think things couldn't get worse - 5/16/2003 Well, aniki and I are kind of talking to each other again. So I thought things would get better. WRONG! Today, some girl comes over to my desk after Maths and starts flirting with me. I try to ignore her, but she's really pouring it on about how GRATEFUL she is that I helped her with something earlier. (Yes, I actually helped someone with an assignment. I'm still bad at math, but aniki's been helping me so I at least understand better now) I say she's welcome, gather my things, and begin to leave. She stops me, backs me into a corner... And kisses me. Not just a peck on the cheek, either. Smack dab on the lips. I could taste that waxy orange lip stuff she wes wearing, which wasn't pleasant at all. But the worst part is that aniki saw the whole thing. He stopped by to pick up a book he forgot, and walked in just as she backed me against the wall. He ran away in shock before I could even begin to yell that it wasn't what it looked like! Damn it! Now he's feeling lower than ever and won't even look at me. He won't even cry. Weird, he certainly looked like he was going to on the way home from school. *tears of joy* - 5/19/2003 Suboshi cornered me and we ended up talking... And I confessed. I was so nervous...now I don't know why I WAS. He feels the same way. I...I'm just so relieved, and so happy I don't know what to say! Otouto... *warm smile* I...thank you for making me talk to you earlier... *laughs* - 5/22/2003 Guess who got talked into getting his ear pierced today? And by his sweet, quiet brother/boyfriend at that? Aniki's had his earring for awhile now, and I was talking about how cute he looked with it...then he decided I needed one, to play up that "agressive twin" thing...well, I'd been wanting one anyway but needles...kinda scare the hell outta me. *sweatdrop* But aniki assured me it wouldn't hurt for that long... Well, he was right. It didn't hurt for more than a few seconds...but DAMN, those were a painful few seconds! It was worth it, though...I like how this thing looks. *smiles* And so does aniki... Lazy - 6/4/2003 Neither of us have written in here in ages. *sweatdrop* School's coming to a close, and we've got exams for the next week or so...maybe when school's out we'll write in here a little more often. The name "Suboshi" is synonymous with "failure" - 6/16/2003 I just KNOW I failed my science exam. I studied my brains out, tried as hard as I could, and did all right...until the third page. And it was a SEVEN PAGE EXAM. I choked. I blanked out, forgot a bunch of stuff, and randomly filled in blanks with whatever REMOTELY made sense. I failed. I'm going to be stuck in summer school or have to repeat year ten science. I'm an idiot. Almost over - 6/22/2003 Tomorrow's our last day of school. Exams are over, and I'm sure I did well. But Suboshi is so sure he's failed his science exam. I'm constantly trying to reassure him that he's going to be okay, even if he did fail. His grades have been much better the last few months, and for that I'm proud of him. It's going to be all right, otouto. I love you, and I'll be here for you. Summer haze - 7/6/2003 Well, school's out, and we have all the free time in the world! *grin* I didn't fail my science exam after all...thank GOD. Unfortunately, for the last few days, I haven't been able to enjoy a nice, quiet, *blush* romantic summer vacation with aniki. Know why? Tasuki, a friend from school, is constantly on the phone with aniki, or coming here to cry. See, he's in love with Nuriko-san, a friend of ours who goes to the local university. But Nuriko-san already HAS a boyfriend whom he loves very much. So Tasuki's angsting about it, and to MY brother! Why HIM?! Why can't he just run to Miaka or someone? *sighs* Aniki feels bad cause he can't help Tasuki...I feel bad for Tasuki as well, but this is annoying me! I'm just selfish, though. I just want aniki all to myself!