"Running on empty"
	by Sara Jaye


	Yes, another emotional outburst inspired fanfic. And yes, 
another Zoicite fanfic. I won't waste time with the annoying rants, 
you know the drill. Angst, depressing, don't like it, don't read.
	This story takes place well after Stars, in my own alternate 
SM universe.

	[Disclaimers: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi 
and Toei animation. None of the characters belong to me, except 
Zoicite&Malachite. You know the deal here.
This story contains some yuri, meaning 2 girls have a bit of a crush 
on one another. If you are offended by this, then I suggest you leave 
immediately. Reading this, being offended/shocked/disgusted, and 
flaming me will result in me being very pissed off. And trust me, you 
do not want that to happen. Same rules apply if you hate Zoicite or 
think anyone who would consider her a separate character from Zoisite 
is an idiot. It's very depressing, so if you don't like depressing 
things, close this window now.]


				~


	I'm so cold. The wind stings my cheeks, and my lungs hurt like 
hell. Tears blur my vision, yet I can still see where I'm running.
	I'm running away. Away from everything. My past, my future 
(If I even HAVE one), the haunting memories of what I was, the shame 
of knowing I hurt all those innocent people.
	Most of all, though, I'm running away from myself.
	I can't stand the woman I've become lately. Bitter, angry, and 
worthless. I feel so alone. Yeah, I have my best friends who care 
about me and my boyfriend who loves me...but it doesn't seem right. 
I'm not the kind who is supposed to have anyone to give a damn about 
me. Especially after the hell I put them through before I let them in.
	They say they love me and care about me, they accept me for 
who I am. Emotional outbursts, nasty sarcasm, cynicism and all.
	Why?
	A normal person would have given up on me after a week. And I 
wouldn't blame them. After all, who'd want someone like me as a best 
friend or a lover?
	No one.
	I've been taught that over and over again in life. Those I got 
close to either left me, betrayed me, or decided I just wasn't worth 
caring about.
	They all should have ditched me ages ago.
	All of them.
	But they're still here!
	Damn it, how many more breakdowns and remarks is it gonna take 
for them to open their eyes and realize they're wasting their time?! 
That it's just useless to continue to care about someone when all they 
get is total and utter chaos for their troubles?
	I asked Makoto this a week ago, and all she said was "You're 
just under a lot of stress from your job and the season and all. We 
know you'll be all right, Zoe-chan. And you don't mean the things you 
say when you're so upset."
	Stress. Yeah, sure, just plain old stress from this stupid 
job, stupid season, and stupid life. Stress!
	If it were just stress, I wouldn't be getting drunk once a 
week. I wouldn't be withdrawing from everything, hating myself more 
and more every day. I wouldn't be haunted day in and day out by soul-
wrenching memories...of the Dark Kingdom, of losing my best friend 
when I needed her the most, and...and the horrifying things my foster 
'brothers' did to me...as if to confirm I was worth no more than 
mental and emotional rape...just thinking about what they did makes me 
shudder...I feel so sick...
	I wouldn't seriously be wishing I was dead as I stared into 
the cold blackness of the night.
	I feel like I'm going to collapse. I've been running at least 
30 miles an hour, nonstop. But I just keep running, running into the 
night, ignoring the cold sting of the sleeting rain beginning to fall.
	I don't know where the hell I'm running to. All I know is that 
soon, my pain will be over.

				~

	"Zoicite!!"
	The pink-haired woman hugged herself tightly, leaning against 
the car. She'd been driving for hours, searching all over Tokyo for 
her friend and worrying like crazy. Why had Zoicite run off that way? 
'Why couldn't she just come to me if something was wrong?' she 
thought. "I'm so worried about her...I hate seeing her so depressed, 
and she's been like this for the last 2 weeks...it's just horrible...
and she won't even talk to anyone so we can't try and make her feel 
better," Ann said aloud. "And it's so scary when she's so drunk and 
depressed and looking like she's half dead..."
	Dead...just saying it, even thinking it sent cold chills 
through her. Especially when Zoicite was concerned. Just looking into 
her eyes made her want to break down in tears. Zoicite insisted she 
was fine, and they pretended to believe her even though it was obvious 
she wasn't. "No one will say anything because they don't want her to 
think they're meddling and if she thinks we're trying to force her to 
tell us she'll be angry...why is she trying to keep us away when she 
most needs us? Where could she have run off to? And...what if...?"
	She couldn't complete the sentence as tears began to run down 
her cheeks.
	"No! She can't be, if she is I...I don't what I'm going to do 
with myself...and Malachite...and everyone else..." Ann punched in the 
numbers on the car alarm and stormed off. "I'm going to find her if I 
have to run around all night!"


				~

	Half an hour later, Ann was just about ready to give up and go 
back to the car when she saw a familiar flash of coppery-blonde hair.
 	"Thank GOD!"
	Checking to see that there were no cars coming, she ran across 
the street over to the empty park gardens, where Zoicite sat holding 
herself and crying on a bench.
	"Zoicite!!"

	Zoicite tensed as she heard someone call her name. 'Damn it! 
How in the hell did they find me here?!' she thought. Wrapping her 
arms more tightly around herself, she looked down at her worn black 
leather boots, not making any sort of eye contact with the person who 
was running over to her.

	"Thank God you're all right! I was so worried, I've been 
looking for you for over 3 hours!"

	Ann.

	I should have known, Zoicite thought. Then again, I thought 
Malachite would be the one running after me...
	Sighing, she looked up a little, just barely meeting Ann's 
worried, tearful gaze.
	"Hi..."
	"I should've known to find you here, Zoicite...you always 
liked being here at night..."
	"I should've chosen a better hiding place. But I was so 
tired..." she said quietly. "It figures. I can't even run away 
right...I'm so pathetic. I bet if I held a gun to my head and pulled 
the trigger I'd miss and accidentally shoot myself in the foot," she 
muttered. Ann glared at her a little.
	"First of all, no talking of killing yourself. I won't allow 
it and neither will Malachite, Eil, or anyone else."
	"Why? It's my life and you can't force me to live if it 
sucks," Zoicite said, picking up a fallen violet from the ground. 
Strangely, it had yet to whither away yet, even dry out...sighing, 
she lazily traced her fingertip over the edge of a petal, no longer 
caring to listen to Ann and her 'You have too much to live for' 
speeches. Didn't she understand?
	"...So that's what this is all about. You're trying to run 
away from your problems, huh? That's...not you, Zoicite," Ann said 
flatly. The Zoicite she knew was tougher than this. No matter how 
lousy she felt, no matter how great her depression. What happened to 
her? The last few weeks, she'd felt like she was working at the 
coffeehouse or watching the late night anime block with a complete 
stranger. The only thing left was that she still got starry-eyed over 
the cute yaoi moments. And even that was different...it wasn't the 
usual "Aw, how kawaii!!"...more like an "If only I could be Quatre 
right now...", a more longing gaze. 'How can she be lonely when she 
has Malachite?' Ann wondered, then remembered that Malachite wasn't 
home very much during the evenings lately. Stupid overtime. "Why are 
you so depressed lately? Why are you getting drunk once a week and 
seeming so lonely when you have a lot of people to care about you? 
You're always so isolated from everything...what's with you? This 
isn't like you one bit."
	"Not me? Well, then I guess you don't know me very well."
	"Zoicite..."
	The 2 of them just stared at each other until Zoicite finally 
spoke.
	"You don't know the hell I've been going through for the last 
few weeks, Ann...it's not just some kind of stress depression...I 
just...feel like my life is worth nothing, like I shouldn't be lucky 
enough to have friends like you, Eil, and Makoto. Or a boyfriend like 
Malachite. I'm just...so bitter and you've had to put up with too many 
of my emotional outbursts. I feel like you should have given up on me 
a long time ago...everyone else has...if they didn't die on me..." 
Zoicite's eyes stung with fresh tears at the memory of losing her best 
friend from her grade school days. "I just feel like everything in my 
life is wrong...it hurts too much to look in the mirror..." Her tears 
overflowed once again as she confessed everything. She had not wanted 
it to come down to this, crying in front of anyone. But she didn't 
care.
	Ann listened, a little shocked seeing her friend breaking down 
this way. Seeing Zoicite cry wasn't something new to her, but she'd 
never seen her this low before. And it broke her heart. As Zoicite 
sobbed about how she wished she was dead or just never existed, Ann 
couldn't stand it anymore, flinging her arms around the slightly 
taller woman as tears gushed down her cheeks.
	"Zoi-chan, please don't say such horrible things, it's not 
true!" she sobbed. Zoicite blinked, the flower slipping from her hand 
and falling back onto the grass.
	"Ann...?!"
	"You can't leave me!! And Malachite will never be the same 
without you! Don't you know how much you mean to us?!"
	"...What do you want me to say to that?" Zoicite tried to 
shrug off Ann's embrace, but Ann wouldn't loosen her grip.
	"Just tell me why you're so hellbent on ending your life...why 
are you so determined to leave when everyone would miss you terribly?" 
Ann sobbed.
	"You wouldn't miss me. Really, Ann, you would be so much 
better off without me. And Malachite deserves better...he gets so 
depressed over the memories of...that place," she shuddered as she 
thought of the Dark Kingdom, "so what good am I when all I can do is 
relate to him? I'm just as depressed. He needs someone who can learn 
to get over it and help him, not whine over their own life-ruining 
flashbacks."
	"Zoicite...please, don't say things like this...I-I can't 
stand to hear it, I never want to think about never seeing you again, 
or you being gone forever," Ann choked, her grip on Zoicite's 
shoulders tightening. "If you were gone, I'd feel so alone..."
	"What about Eil?"
	"He isn't you...I love him with all my heart and soul, but...
he can't replace you..."
	"...What...?" What was she trying to say? Zoicite rubbed her 
eyes and looked at the shuddering form of her best friend.
	"Put yourself in my place, Zoicite. Would your loving 
relationship with Malachite ever replace me in your heart?"
	She'd never thought of it that way before! Zoicite was always 
worried about losing people she cared about, and knew she would be 
crestfallen if she lost them. But she didn't like thinking about it, 
so she'd never considered what Ann had just told her.
	'That, and I can't picture my life without Ann...she's my best 
friend, and she's always here for me...and she's the only one who 
really understands and can relate to my yaoi obsession. To lose her 
would just...well, Malachite would be the only reason I would want to 
live...' Zoicite blinked. 'Other...?'
	She was thinking about her best friend the same way she 
thought about her love...she knew that it was normal for a girl's best 
friend and boyfriend to be the ones she loved the most, but in 
different ways.
	'Am I falling for Ann?'

	'Am I falling for Zoicite?' Ann wondered as she looked up a 
little. She knew Zoicite was very important to her, but never thought 
something like this would happen, that Zoicite would seriously 
consider suicide. Was she just feeling this way because she was afraid 
of losing her?
	'I don't know. But I know one thing's sure. I am not going to 
lose her,' Ann thought. "Pretty painful thought, isn't it? Well, now 
you kinda have some idea of how I'm feeling right now, Zoi," she said.
	"...I'm sorry," Zoicite choked, breaking down in tears yet 
again. "I'm so sorry...I-I just...I'm not used to good luck with 
anything, especially relationships...I can't stop feeling like 
everything's about to come crashing down..."
	"But hasn't it? Look at yourself...how isolated and depressed 
you've been lately," Ann said quietly.
	"...The only thing that's remained stable is my relationships 
with all of you...why, though? Lord knows how many times I've snapped 
off at you or just plain acted bitter and cynical," Zoicite mumbled. 
"I thought after a week of that you'd have given up and ditched me..."
	"Well, we didn't. We understand and know you're going through 
a lot right now, Zoi...what with job stress and holiday shopping and 
Malachite not being around enough," Ann said.
	"That's what Makoto-san said last week...stress. Ha! What does 
she know? If it were just stress I wouldn't be wishing I was dead 
every night of the week." Zoicite picked up the flower again and held 
it in the palms of her hands, just looking at it.
	"Well, they don't know because you won't tell them," Ann 
sighed.
	"Tell them? They're all so busy with work, classes, and gift 
shopping...it's 2 days before Christmas, you know. I don't want to add 
more to their stress by whining about my problems," Zoicite muttered.
	"I'll put it this way. They're more stressed out knowing 
something's wrong but at the same time being completely in the dark 
than they would be if you told them," Ann said, placing her hand on 
the blonde's shoulder.
	Zoicite sighed. She didn't know what to think now. The cold, 
angry depression she'd felt hours ago was fading, but was being 
replaced by immense guilt.
	'How could I have done that to them? Especially Malachite and 
Ann? Shame on you, Zoicite Marshall. You're lucky they care about you 
and are willing to overlook your little breakdowns,' she berated 
herself. "I just...don't know what to think about anything anymore," 
she mumbled. "I hate the woman I was...back then...always locking 
people out and being a bitch to them so they wouldn't get too close...
I swore to myself I'd never be like that again...but here I am. I...I 
ran away from everyone..." Her shoulders shook violently as tears ran 
down her cheeks. "I-I'm so sorry...that I was going to leave you...
I..." she tried to apologize, but was crying so hard she could barely 
speak. Ann wrapped her arms around Zoicite's soaked, shivering form 
and pulled her as close as she could.
	"Don't apologize...it's going to be okay, Zoi-chan..." she 
whispered, nestling her cheek against her friend's soaked blonde hair.
	"I-I hope everyone else can forgive me...and Malachite..." 
Zoicite sobbed, clinging to her friend.
	"I'm sure they will...all that's important is that you're all 
right." Ann shivered as she tried to warm them both up, despite the 
fact that it was barely 20 degrees outside and they were both soaked. 
The only warmth came from the tears running silently down her face. 
'Thank God you're going to be okay, Zoi-chan...' she thought.
	Zoicite felt a weight slowly lifting from her as she sobbed, 
this time out of relief. She wasn't completely alone anymore. They 
really did care about her and weren't going to leave her. They cared 
enough to understand her instead of just writing her off as a bitch. 
'I belong here,' she thought.

				~

	They stayed there for nearly an hour, and even though there 
was barely a word spoken between them, nothing was left unsaid...well, 
almost nothing.
	Finally, Zoicite spoke.
	"Thank you...I-I'm glad you found me here...I..was actually 
secretly hoping you would," she said. Ann smiled, brushing her 
drenched hair away from her face.
	"Yeah, I figured as much," she laughed. "But...we better get 
home. It's almost 10 and...we've been sitting here soaking wet for God 
knows how long." Zoicite blinked.
	"...Almost 10?! I...I could've sworn it was just 6:30 a few 
minutes ago...time flies when you're running away," she said as they 
got up and stretched. "We better get home...and into some nice warm 
clothes."
	"I knew there was something not right about the way these 
jeans were sticking to me!" And for some reason, they started giggling 
hysterically at that. It felt so wonderful to laugh after all that 
freaking out! After a good 10 minutes, they had to stop to catch their 
breath, collapsing onto the ground.
	"I needed that," Zoicite said, giggling. Ann nodded.
	"Did you ever," she said. "Anyway...let's go home. The others 
are probably worried sick about us."
	"I wouldn't be surprised if Malachite and Eil showed up right 
about now," Zoicite said. "I swear, our boyfriends are such 
worrywarts!"
	"Yep, but they're our worrywarts and we love em just as they 
are," Ann giggled as they picked themselves up. Just then, the flower 
Zoicite had been holding earlier caught their attention, still 
miraculously not damaged from the rain or the cold.
	"I wonder..." Zoicite said to herself as she picked it up. 
This fragile violet had remained strong and beautiful through the 
harsh weather..."Just like my friendship with Ann despite the last few 
weeks," she whispered. Smiling to herself, turned back to her friend. 
"Thank you again for running after me," she said.
	"Only a heartless bitch would let her best friend freeze to 
death out here," Ann said as they began to walk to the car.

				~

	They drove home in silence other than the soft orchestrated 
classical music playing on the radio. The feelings they had been 
questioning earlier still remained, but neither one said anything. The 
silence and the warm, cozy feeling the music gave them spoke volumes.
	"I hope Makoto, Michiru and Setsuna don't get mad at us for 
dripping water all over the place," Ann mused.
	"I'm sure they'll be so glad we're all right and haven't 
frozen to death they won't even notice," Zoicite said, laughing a 
little. It was then that she noticed the rain had long stopped, and 
light snow was falling in it's place. "Huh...?" Ann blinked as she 
looked around at the dusting of white covering everything.
	"I...how could we have not noticed this till now?" she 
wondered aloud. "It sure is beautiful, though..." Zoicite nodded.
	"Yeah..."
	They stood in silence, just looking at one another. For a 
moment, Ann wondered if she should mention the one thing she hadn't 
told Zoicite, but decided against it. Somehow, she knew that the other 
woman was thinking the same thing.
	Zoicite took the flower from her pocket and looked at it 
again. 'Surviving the hard times and still remaining beautiful and 
strong,' she thought. Suddenly, she smiled brightly and held out the 
flower to Ann.
	"Here...I...want you to have this," she whispered, blushing a 
little.
	"Zoicite..." Ann felt her own cheeks grow warm as she looked 
at the violet. "Why? Not that I don't appreciate this, but..."
	"It reminds me of our friendship. Surviving all the hard times 
in life and still remaining strong and beautiful," Zoicite said, her 
eyes regaining the shine they'd lacked for so long. Ann smiled broadly 
and slipped the flower into her front pocket.
	"Thank you..." she whispered as the 2 of them embraced. "I'll 
press it into a book so I can keep it forever." Zoicite smiled as they 
slowly let go of one another.
	"Let's go inside," she said, but as they were heading inside, 
2 people ran out onto the lawn.
	"Zoicite!"
	"Ann!"
	"...Why are we not surprised?" they said in unison as 
Malachite and Eil ran to them.
	"About time you got home! Where have you been all this time?!" 
Eil asked, then nearly jumped back. "Ann, you're an ice cube!"
	"Zoicite, you're even worse than she is!! How long have you 
been out in the cold? We have to get you inside this second, we can't 
have you sick just 2 days before Christmas," Malachite said in an 
almost stern tone. The girls just sighed.
	"You boys really are worrywarts," the said, but couldn't help 
smiling as their boyfriends hurried inside with them. As soon as they 
were in the house, they were greeted with just what they expected.
	"Where have you been?!"
	"You're soaked! Dry off and get out of those wet clothes now, 
it'll be a miracle if you don't get sick!"
	"Are you all right?!"
	"You're dripping water all over the floor!"
	"Eudial..."
	"Sorry...don't even do that again, you hear me? You scared the 
hell out of us!"

				~

	Zoicite sighed as she relaxed by the window, as warm as she 
could get in a soft blue nightshirt and pants, a thick comforter, and 
snuggled between her love and 2 friends. Malachite and Eil insisted 
they all stay as close as they could, and as much as the girls teased 
them about worrying too much, they obviously didn't mind. The snow 
still fell outside, heavier than before.
	"Just in time," ChibiUsa said as she walked into the room in 
her pink nightgown, her hair let down from its usual odango. Hotaru 
was right behind her, violet kimono wrapped tightly around her.
	"Hi," Ann greeted them, motioning for them to come over.
	"You look much better than you have the last few weeks, 
Zoicite-san," Hotaru commented, somewhat shyly.
	"I feel better. A nice walk in the rain woke me up," she 
laughed.
	"Then why did Ann have to run out after you?" Eil teased. 
Zoicite playfully glared at him, but ruined it by laughing.
	"Cause I care about her! Why didn't you come after her as well? 
Or better yet, why didn't YOU, Malachite?" Ann said in a 
mock-challenging voice.
	"You insisted on going out after her alone, remember?"
	"Guys, don't argue about it, what's important is that 
Zoicite's going to be okay and that she and Ann are safe at home," 
Hotaru said.
	"We were just playing around," Malachite said.
	"Still..." ChibiUsa snuggled closer to Hotaru as she watched 
the snow falling softly, covering the world in a peaceful blanket of 
white.
	Zoicite and Ann looked at the girls, then each other. Their 
feelings still remained unsaid, but then again, there was no real 
need to speak them. Actions had spoken louder than words that cold 
winter night.

~It may be rainin',
But there's a rainbow above you.
You'd better let somebody love you (let somebody love you)
You'd better let somebody love you,
Before it's too late.~

				~End~

	Wow, my longest one yet! Finished, that is. ^^;; Took me 4 
nights...not bad, compared to other stories that have taken me nearly 
a year. *points to a certain KunZoi fic* I decided to make it a 
Christmasy fic somewhere around the second part of this. I know, it's 
not even December yet. But if I get motivated enough, maybe I'll write 
another holiday-themed fic around Christmastime...I've been wanting to 
do a "Gift of the Magi" plot. ^^
	About the lyrics at the end of the story: This could've very 
easily been a songfic. But as it is, I've got too many stories to 
finish, so that will have to wait for another time. ^_^;;
	Ja ne! ^_^
	*walks off, muttering something about needing better 
disclaimers and all that jazz*