"I want to tell you...but I'm afraid to lose you."
   by Sara Jaye


	Wow, another fanfic from me. :P And like my last fanfic, this 
is also a shounen ai. It's about Zoisite's feelings for Kunzite, from 
Zoi's point of view. It's written more like a letter to him. And it 
kinda is...but that's all I can say for now. ^_^
    I actually started writing this awhile back, last spring. But I 
hit a block, and it just sat in my folder unfinished, like several of 
my other attempts. But...last night, I dug it out and just started 
writing again. And voila! I actually got it done save for the ending 
(which I wrote this afternoon)! ^_^ So, here it is.

[Disclaimers: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and Toei 
animation. None of the characters belong to me. This fanfic is angsty 
shounen ai, so if that kind of thing bothers you or isn't your speed, 
you may want to close the window. :P But if not, enjoy! ^^]



	I don't know why I just can't say this. I mean, it should be 
the easiest thing ever. Just tell you...but it's not. For some reason, 
what should be the easiest thing in the world, it seems like, is 
impossible for me.
	Especially since I've felt this way since we first met. And 
we've always been close, right? So I should just be able to come right 
out and say it.
	But I just can't. For the life of me, I just can't.
	Maybe it's because I don't want to ruin our friendship. Or 
maybe I don't want our boss finding out, or one of the other guys. 
Maybe I just keep forgetting.
	Or maybe I'm just...afraid.
	Afraid of what you might think. Afraid of what everyone else 
will say. And most of all...afraid of losing you. Losing the most 
important person in the world to me. Just the very thought of losing 
you brings pain to my heart. You're the only one who cares for me in 
this bleak kingdom, the only one who has cared for me in years. Yes, 
you are rough on me at times, and you can be very cold and cynical. 
Yet underneath that rough exterior, you're a warm, caring man. No 
wonder I fell in love with you.
	Love...what a very strange emotion. If the person you feel it 
towards feels the same way, it can be wonderful and exhilarating. But 
if not, it can be painful, heartbreaking, and depressing. And in some 
cases...ruin a relationship. I don't want that to happen.
	Don't think I haven't tried to tell you. I've dropped quite a 
few hints. And a few times, when the time was right...we were alone. 
Just relaxing together, by the Sakura trees, I almost did tell you. 
But alas...I froze. My nerve was lost, and my head was filled with 
images of you rejecting me, or walking away. A voice-your voice, 
telling me we were friends, and nothing more. It was always that way, 
and it is always going to be that way.
	I wish more than anything to confess to you what I'm feeling, 
and for you to feel the same way. Yet I know, despite my dreaming of 
it...it will probably never be. We are friends, and nothing more. I 
guess...that's just the way it must be. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe 
you feel the same way...but like I said, you probably don't. I just 
know...
	Besides, I know you like women. I've seen you comment before 
on how beautiful a woman was, even flirt. Sure, I looked as if I 
couldn't care less, but deep down, my heart ached, and I wanted to 
lock myself away to cry. I wished with all my heart that you would 
look at me that way, think I was a beautiful creature...why can't you 
see? You can be so dense, you never seem to get the hints.
	Wow...now I'm blaming you for all this. What's wrong with me? 
It's not your fault, never was, and never will be. It is I who can't 
just come out and say it. I'm the coward...it's my fault I feel so 
miserable, so confused...so alone.
	I'm almost crying now. My eyes sting with tears, and my heart 
is aching. I feel so lonely, so cold...I need you. I can't stand the 
thought of ever losing you. I wish more than ever right now to just 
say to you what I'm feeling, how you've captured my very soul, how 
you're the only one I could ever want...why does this have to be so 
hard? Why? 
	I will tell you one of these days. I can't keep this inside my 
soul forever. Whether it be tonight, or tomorrow, or even the end of 
this week, you will know. I know my risks...yet at the same time, the 
tiny flicker of optimism I have gives me the strength to believe that 
maybe...just maybe...you feel the same way. I don't know.
	But I know one thing. Sooner or later, I will say this...I 
love you, Kunzite-sama. I always have, and I always will.
	My only hope is that you love me too.
	Yours truly,
		Zoisite 


	"Oh my God..."
	His hands shook as he placed the letter back on the table. He 
was shocked. Zoisite _loved_ him? He couldn't believe this. He'd been 
so sure that he only looked up to him as a teacher and a friend, and 
nothing more. Sure, he'd dropped a few hints, but Kunzite had just 
shrugged them off, even tried to convince himself he was just 
imagining things. Well, he obviously wasn't. "All this time, I've 
wondered if he could ever love me as I loved him. And I always assumed 
that we would never be more than friends..." He looked over at 
Zoisite's bed, hoping he was still awake, or at least hadn't fallen 
asleep yet. "Zoi?" he whispered. No answer. Zoisite had indeed fallen 
asleep. Kunzite smiled. He looks so peaceful, he thought. However, his 
smile faded as he got a closer look. Zoisite's eyes were slightly red, 
and his face was a bit damp. He'd obviously been crying. "Poor guy," 
Kunzite muttered under his breath. Sighing, he pulled the covers up 
over Zoisite's shoulders, then gently brushed a hand through the silky 
blonde hair. "Gomen nasai...I promise I won't keep this from you any 
longer. I'll tell you soon...sleep well, Zoisite," he whispered. He 
walked to the door, and before slipping out of the room, whispered, 
"Aishiteru, Zoi-kun."

				~End