I'm getting sick of all this.

Ever since I "mysteriously resurfaced" and returned to Kutou, everyone's 
been giving me grief. Yeah, I KNOW I kinda went missing and everyone 
thought I was dead, so they couldn't summon Seiryuu. And my brother was 
angry and heartbroken thinking the Suzaku Seishi had killed me.

But that doesn't matter now! I'm back, aren't I?

Nakago used to treat me as a fellow warrior and respect me to some degree. 
Soi cared about me like a big sister. Tomo...well, it's hard to say, he 
DID flirt with me an awful lot, but he wasn't horrible. Ashitare and 
Miboshi...they were pretty much one-dimensional and stuff, especially the 
former.

And Suboshi and I used to be closer than anything.

But all of that's gone.

Ashitare's dead. Nakago constantly glares at me and makes it seem like I 
purposely ran away. Soi doesn't even talk to me, and Tomo calls me a 
traitor. Jeez, you're remotely nice to an enemy miko and they peg ya! 
Miboshi's the only one who doesn't say anything, but he never pays any 
attention to our personal issues or anything like that.

But the worst is Suboshi.

I know he doesn't hate me. And he doesn't say anything harsh or give me 
evil looks.

He doesn't even look at me anymore.

Ever since she arrived, he's been completely enamored with her.

Yui. Seiryuu no Miko.

She's not a bad person...cold and standoffish, but I respect her. She is 
our miko, after all. And she's kind enough to me.

But I resent her.

I hate admitting this, even to myself.

Ever since my brother fell in love with her, he's completely ignored me. 
I'll say hi to him when I see him in the hallways, but all he does is give 
a slight wave before he runs to see her. On the rare occasion we exchange 
words, his are few and short, and he barely looks at me when he's 
speaking.

The only time he smiles, or has a warm look in his eyes, is when he's with 
her.

He used to look at me that way. I used to be the one most important to 
him.

Now I'm lucky if he even casts a glance in my direction.

I hate this.

I wish I'd never come back. I wish I'd stayed away from them all.

Away from all the stupid love.

Miaka and Tamahome. Hotohori and Nuriko. Nakago and...Soi or Tomo, I don't 
really care which one.

Suboshi with Yui.

Everyone is in love. Everyone has someone to be all mushy with.

And I'm all alone. Because people hate me or don't care I exist.

Why should anyone love Amiboshi, anyway? Who could love a traitor, a 
coward who runs away from his responsibilities as a Seishi.

The whole world is in love. Happy and rose-colored.

I was in love, too. Actually, I still am. But my feelings are wrong and 
sick, so I don't want to think about them. I try not to think about them, 
convincing myself they don't exist and falling in love is idiotic.

But I do anyway. My feelings exist.

And it hurts like hell.

I don't care.

I hate romance.

I hate it so much.

And I hate them.

For the first time in my life...I feel hate.

Why not?

They hate me.

But not as much as I hate myself.

I'll stay here and cry all alone, hating the world, hating myself, 
wishing it would all go away.

Except him.

The one person I'll love forever, no matter how little I mean to him.

No matter how much he'd rather be with her than with me.

I love my brother.

I always will.

~

Amiboshi slammed the book shut and threw it onto the bed, tears dripping 
down his cheeks.

"Pathetic."

Without another word, he stormed from his room and out of the palace.

It looked like rain.

But he didn't care.

~

"..."

Suboshi dropped the open book in horror.

He no longer felt guilty for reading Amiboshi's journal.

The guilt of being the cause of his brother's depression was far worse.

"Suboshi no baka..." He fell to his knees, slamming his fist into the 
floor and burying his head in his other hand.

"What have I done?"

He couldn't believe what an idiot he'd been.

"Have I really been so obsessed with her that I ignored my own brother?"

The snap of thunder outside was enough of an answer.

"Aniki..."

Suboshi shook his head and got up, grabbing his cloak and running outside 
to find Amiboshi.

~

It was raining buckets when Suboshi finally got a safe distance away from 
the palace. He ignored the drops stinging his face, determined to find his 
brother.

Then he heard the faint sounds of someone crying...he moved closer, and 
saw a figure standing by a tree, hugging himself and shivering 
uncontrollably.

"Aniki..."

For once, Suboshi couldn't bring himself to be impulsive. Normally he 
would have run over and hugged his brother, throwing his cloak over the 
two of them to keep warm.

But seeing Amiboshi like this...knowing he was the reason...

Sighing, he slowly approached Amiboshi.

"Aniki..."

The older twin slowly turned around to face him. His face was streaked 
with tears, and his eyes were swollen from his crying.

"What do you want?"

The bitterness in his voice bit at Suboshi.

"Aniki, get away from that tree. There's a storm coming, and it's 
dangerous to stand under a tree during a lightning storm," he said.

"So? Not like anyone'd miss me if I got myself killed."

Suboshi's eyes stung with tears.

"Aniki, don't ever say that!"

"Why not? Everyone hates me."

"Not everyone...what about me?"

"Especially you."

"...What?"

"You heard me. You only care about Yui-sama and you hate me for running 
away."

"Aniki, that's ridiculous! I could never hate you!"

"Well, you certainly couldn't care less about me."

"If that were so, would I have run out here in this, looking for you? When 
we both know I hate storms!"

Amiboshi sniffled and looked away.

"For the past week...you barely even look at me anymore. All you care 
about is chasing after Yui-sama," he said.

"...I know...and...I'm sorry I've been such an idiot," Suboshi said 
quietly.

"Just leave me alone."

"Aniki..."

Amiboshi's only response was a sharp sniff as he sat down and hugged his 
knees to his chest. His clothes were becoming soaked through from the 
rain, and his slender body shook terribly, both from the cold and from 
crying.

Without a word, Suboshi knelt beside his brother, taking his cloak off and 
wrapping it around him.

"You need it more than me right now," he said.

"You'll get cold."

"Doesn't matter. After all I've put you through this week I don't need you 
getting sick either," Suboshi said.

"Thanks."

They sat in silence for several minutes, letting the rain beat down on 
them. Amiboshi's crying subsided a bit, at least to a point where he 
wasn't choking back sobs until his throat was numb. Suboshi just sat 
there, watching him. Knowing he was to blame for his brother's loneliness.

'I hate them.'

Amiboshi had never expressed or felt hate for anyone before. Even the 
people who murdered their parents. He'd taken everything in stride, never 
once going out of his way to hurt anyone.

He'd been so gentle and patient. And Suboshi had managed to destroy that.

"Aniki..." he whispered, his voice in danger of breaking.

Amiboshi lifted his head, tears still running down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry...for everything. For ignoring you, for being a jerk, for 
being stupid...for crushing your spirit," Suboshi said, fighting back 
tears.

"It wasn't just you. I've felt like this for the last few days," Amiboshi 
muttered.

"But...you've never cared about being liked so much before."

"Everyone hating me was frustrating. But when even you wouldn't talk to me 
anymore...it just hurt. I felt...like I committed some sort of sin by 
coming back, that I wasn't welcome here even by you anymore...I never felt 
welcome here, but as long as you were by my side I wasn't alone," Amiboshi 
said, sniffling.

"...Aniki..." Suboshi sighed. "I have a confession to make...I...found 
your journal lying on the bed...and I was worried about you so...I..."

Amiboshi stared.

"You read it." He narrowed his eyes. "That's an invasion of privacy!"

"I know! But if I hadn't read it...well, what if you'd gone and killed 
yourself?!"

"I wouldn't. Not till after we summoned Seiryuu anyway...it's not very 
important to me anymore, but I don't want everyone to hate me more than 
they already do." Amiboshi turned away once again.

"Look, I...I honestly don't know why I was acting the way I was this 
week...I guess I was nervous," Suboshi said.

"Nervous?" Amiboshi muttered. "Sure, I'm the one coming back after being 
missing for two weeks, and YOU'RE nervous!"

"I didn't know if you were the same brother who left me to go to Konan! 
What if you'd changed some way and didn't need your stupid brother hanging 
around anymore?!" Suboshi sighed. "There, I said it."

"...That's one of the most ridiculous things I ever heard, Suboshi," 
Amiboshi said. "Of course I still need you! You're my twin brother and the 
single most important person in my life!"

"A...aniki?"

"Even if I'm not that important to you anymore and you'd rather be with 
Yui-sama...I love you more than anyone in the world," Amiboshi said, 
burying his face in his arms as a fresh wave of tears streamed down his 
cheeks.

"Aniki, no one is more important to me than you are!" Suboshi sighed. 
'Like he's gonna believe THAT after the way I blew him off this week.'

"Yeah right." Amiboshi inched away slightly, sniffling.

"I mean it."

"Then why did you stand by and do nothing while everyone treated me like 
dirt this week?!"

"Because I was an idiot, okay?!" Suboshi cried. "I'm an idiot! A violent, 
miko-obsessed idiot! There, I said it! You satisfied?!"

"This isn't about me being satisfied!"

"Then why don't you believe me when I say how important you are to me?"

Amiboshi sighed.

"I...it just hurts...I want to believe you more than anything...but 
thinking about this past week..."

"Aniki..."

"I don't like feeling anger and hatred..."

"Then don't..." Suboshi wrapped his arms tightly around his twin's 
trembling form. "Aniki...you are the most important person to me, and I'm 
sorry for what I did...from now on, I promise, I'll never ditch you for a 
girl again and I won't let the others treat you like dirt," he said, 
gently stroking Amiboshi's hair. "I love you, aniki."

At a loss for words, Amiboshi fell against his brother, sobbing muffledly 
into his shoulder.

"It's okay...just cry all you need. I'm here...and I'm not leaving. Not 
now...not ever."

"Suboshi..." Amiboshi managed to get out in a choked sob.

"Just let it all out," Suboshi whispered, holding his brother closer.

They stayed like that for a long time. The tain continued to pour in 
steady streams, but neither twin seemed to notice or care.